I've been hella busy, being with friends and having a blast. And getting yelled at that I'm not online as much. My myspace is toriachan. It's got lotsa fun stuff on there, and if you wanna be my friend you can. Plus videos.

The korean kid ....and the lesbian....oh wait its just uh drunk


Part 2...the pain and suffering...with no wig

For denture pics with me smiling. New pics. Go here to my myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/toriachan

And to photos of what i currently look like.

I wouldn't pay to see it again.

There is only one Joker and it is Jack Nicholson.

And there is only one Two-Face. Tommy Lee Jones.

And Michael Keaton is the only Batman. Bale makes a good Wayne, but not BATMAN.


Now with that out of the way, I'll give my critique. I'm not saying it was a bad movie because it wasn't. Some parts were kinda suck, and Christian Bale should never be Batman, his voice I wanted to kill him. So I went in it, and was told by pretty much everyone LEDGER IS AWESOME OMFG OMFG. And basically stuck to my guns till I saw the movie. NOW. With that said. For THE DARK KNIGHT SERIES Joker. He did a pretty good job. Some shit he did, I laughed my ass off at. His appearance, his magic trick as it were, I nearly died with hysteria. Some of his performance I was like eh, it can be a lot better. Or I wish they didn't push this angle or that. But the whole social anarchy of TDK series was brought out. And Ledger who is a fucking shitty actor, deserves some credit for being Joker. I found what he said about him passing on but he'd always be there rather prophetic and kinda eeee. But ah well. All of his plans were Joker and twisted, so it worked.

Two-Face on the other hand. Well, this is my take on it. For The Dark Knight, it had a good plot and storyline, and as far as his character is concerned, you get a more indepth look at him and his development, you feel bad for him. All that bullshit. Performance wise though? Tommy Lee Jones still takes the cake.

SO. I said I'd try to go in with an open mind and I did. And the whole eating my words crap which I said myself I'd do if I was wrong, which I'm never wrong only slightly incorrect of course. XD But yeah. Good movie, wouldn't pay to see it again but will get it on DVD. There were lots of things about his Joker I liked, but still. I still had a good time.

-- Dentures today, they're shaving down my two front teeth, putting copings on and then putting the partials in with the attachments. An hour appointment. But then I have a doc appt this afternoon too so. Bah. I'll have pictures of me smiling probably tonight with Eric's camera since he's coming over again.

I'm so tired of people's bullshit. I've seriously been trying to get away from this shit for nearly five years now and it hasn't stopped. If you've got a problem with me? Why don't you get the guts to say it to my face, instead of underhandedly talking shit. And you people know who you fucking are. And I've got a feeling I'm speaking on behalf of Leigh as well.

So, I had court on Thursday for social security and I won! I'm so happy, that stess is over and done with. What really bugs me though, is that two, three years ago when this started, and I was examined by a SS psychiatrist to see my mental condition, I got a letter from SS saying I was OKIE DOKIE. In my file? There's a damn huge report on how fucked in the head I am and I could have gotten mental disability alone. And not had to go through this bullshit. But whatever. I'm getting more money. I'll probably see some of it by labor day.

I'm not sure what I want to do school wise now. I'm not going back to APSU. I think I might take a partial courseload online at this college in town. I can't handle a full one. As far as English majoring goes, I have no idea now.

Going out with Eric tonight to see The Dark Knight, have dinner, and probably come back here and booze it up. Hopefully he'll spend the night. I dunno, even though he's had to go to work before where he left. Now he stays. And we finally can share a bed without me killing him, for taking up the whole bed with his god damn lanky asian legs.

But I dunno. I think he and I, and Leigh are the only ones that have sense about Heath Ledger being the Joker. Personally I think I'm going to hate the movie. Okay, it's based off the dark knight series. I don't care. Explain to me how Ledger and Bale are a few years apart and the Joker killed his parents. He looks like the Joker on meth, and will probably only win an academy award because he's fucking dead. There, I said it. And until I'm proven otherwise? Jack Nicholson is the ONLY Joker. And Tommy Lee Jones, the only Two-Face. And Batman? NO CONTEST. MICHAEL KEATON FOR THE WIN. And as we all know, I'm conceited and only my opinion matters.

Taking measurements tonight for some stuff. Mine, and then Eric's stuff. He shall be Vincent perfection. And good lord, I'm going to get so many fucking wigs, since everyone's are being sent here. Since I'm styling them. Like, the shit in the room I'm in for AUSA. Me, Leigh's, and Eric's alone is going to be ridiculous. And the sleeping arrangements. IT'S A TORI SAMMICH. Leigh owns my left breast. And Eric owns the other. So I'm in the middle of them. Well, my left one Eric says he owns too and we can make it a timeshare. But Leigh is putting her foot down and claiming the boob she drooled on. LAF. I LOVE YOU. I just want AUSA to be no drama. I'm not putting up with it, and Leigh and I are in the same mindset. Not putting up with people's bullshit and crap. Sorry, if you're gonna be a fucknut, go away.

That's it for now. Oh and I pay much more attention to my myspace, and got myspace IM all that shit. It's toriachan. So yeah. If you fuckers wanna add me, go ahead. XD

All right. I need to post more in my LJ. I've actually been paying attention to my myspace believe it or not. I need to fix my cosplay.com account. I have lots to upload, and need to ammend costumes, add costumes and blah blah.

So, if you SAW I HAD a beautiful new layout, Jezebel from Godchild/Count Cain. He's awesome, and my best friend Leigh is amazing for making it. But now she changed it said I was going to kill her. So I've been forcing myself to stay awake to write all this, and then have to edit the post. This is Sukisho! I am Sunao. xD And the banners in my profile. I will post more often now or she will kill me. Plus, isn't this layout gorgeous? My partner in crime rocks. I need to get new icons though. Make them too. I've had the same ones for sooo long. And she's making me a cool mood theme. I had one before, but nixed it long ago. I loved my Rosiel layout, but it's time for a nice change and since I am Jezebel and she is Cain. WE HAVE TO MATCH. We've also noticed that we're opposite with hair. She's a blonde and looks hot with dark hair. I have dark auburn and look hot with blonde. I'm not fat anymore, the only hint of weight on me besides my gargantuan bossom is loose skin which I'm toning up. It may sound conceited but I can look in the mirror and say I'd tap that. You'd tap me too, Leigh!

So me and Jen broke up. It's actually quite a weight off my shoulders and a major relief. I've honestly been wanting to break up for awhile, but wanted to spare her feelings I guess is the best way to put it. And then we barely talked at all the last while. So we really didn't have a relationship this last bit..but anyway. I'm single again! And not upset about it. I have wings to fly away.

My mom is calling me an alcoholic. I've been drinking a lot. But only when my friends come over, like Eric. He comes over all the time, and yeah. I'm so glad I've gained so many friends in town again. Best friends back like him and Stephanie. But yeah we hang out, and drink and chill. What's awesome is that they've legalized absinthe in the united states. It fits for me to drink it. It's basically how they used to drink it was with the sugar cube, the perforated spoon and with laudenaum. I probably spelled that wrong. And that's poison. It's a european artist drink. It's black licorice flavored, which Eric and I hate but he buzzed his with Red Bull and it actually tasted good. I just took the sugar and cold water. Since no laudenaum. But absinthe is way stronger than everclear or whiskey. It's pretty much an opiate, a drug, a poison. You just need a little and you get smashed. So two nights in a row, Steph stayed the night once. And Eric twice. He's always spending the night. Laf, and he goes nudist which is always interesting. He and I made a pact when we were young teenagers we were gonna get married at 30 if we were single. We're very close. I wish Leigh lived out here just so we could hang out cuz we'd have a blast. But yeah, Steph is the alcoholic. She drinks when she's alone. Eric and I drink with friends. He'd be here tonight but he's off somewhere at someone's birthday. I'm so tired, falling asleep right now, but wouldn't be surprised if he didn't get shitfaced he came here. He's a bifile like me. And a gorgeous Korean. He's aiding me with relearning some Korean, I'm teaching him Japanese. He used to speak it, but like me he hasn't in awhile so it's slipped. How I am with my Korean. I know many languages and catch on quick so. We had Vampyre wine, vodka. The merlot is nasty but the Cabernet Sauvignon is amazing. We have more but the vampyre liquor stains your lips and it looks like blood. And if you have a vamp fetish it's for you. He has natural fangs. And he just let it drip down his mouth, all over his body. GYAHH. SO HOT. A hot Korean with fangs and blood down his mouth. And he always does like this tease when he gets that way too. Everyone says we're like a couple.

I've got court on Wednesday for my social security. There's no way I'm going to lose, it's just how much money can I get. I hate living at home and not being able to work or go to school. So I might try some online classes in Januart. Mom's retiring in two years and I feel so left behind in life because of all the illnesses. I will be okay. This money will help, and I should get Medicare, Medicaid. All that. And backpay and all this so. My lawyer said there's no way I can lose. Happy. I'm pissed that they pushed back when I was going to get dentures. I was supposed to get them July 3rd, and then the people who make them were ending up taking too long and I'm getting them on the 21st.

COSPLAY! COSPLAY! COSPLAY!
Okays. I am still cosplaying. Despite the hell and stupidity of ACEN. And the fucking dumbassness of some of my so-called friends. ACEN has came and gone and if you know about the hell of it then good because I'm not getting into it I was supposed to go to Otakon. However some money issues, people issues, and place to stay lead me not to go. Leigh isn't going either. Our big focus has been Anime USA, or AUSA. I have AWA to go to, and I might be going to T-Mode to see Rae but AUSA I cannot wait. Eric is a cosplayer and he's joining in on cosplayness.

Anywho. I have so much stuff to do for AUSA. A ridiculous amount of work is being put into this, and money on all sides but you know it's gonna be amazing and great and hopefully one of the best cons ever, so there won't be any drama. Jen isn't going and some people I dislike aren't going, and if they are I'm sorry my vain-ness has come out but we're so winning in the I can out cosplay you category. As Leigh reads this and laughs and knows it's true. I'm sorry, my Rufus is awesome. Always has been, and always will be amazing. Both versions. I hate elitist bitches of course. Leigh and I are leet, but we're not pricks. Unless you fuck with us, and then you're going to get it. I'm so tired of getting into a certain cosplay, and crappy people moving in on it that had no interest before at all. So eat your heart out. Here's my list for AUSA and things I have to make for AUSA. None of Leigh's stuff I have to make though. I'm styling all of the wigs for me, Leigh, and Eric. Yes we will have correct contacts as well. AUSA is a drama free con, and we're determined to have an awesome time.

Angel Sanctuary
Leigh-Setsuna
Eric-Katan
Me-Rosiel

Yami no Matsuei
Leigh-Tsuzuki, Puppy Tsuzuki
Eric- Doctor Muraki
Me-Hisoka, Miinase Hijiri

Final Fantasy VII Advent Children
Leigh-Tifa
Eric-Vincent Valentine
Me-Cid Highwind

Sukisho
Leigh-Sora
Eric-Yoru
Me-Sunao

Godchild/Count Cain
Leigh-Cain
Eric-Cassain
Me-Jezebel

Gravitation
Leigh-Hiroshi
Eric-Eiri Yuki
Me-Shindou Shuichi

Loveless
Leigh-Soubi
Me-Ritsuka


Ta-da that's all folks!

So I haven't updated in forever, and I'm sorry about that just after the Chicago fiasco I've been kinda blah. And if you don't know about all the hell from Anime Central/ACEN, dont bother asking me it's a big mess. Ask someone else. But my experience was hell.

I've been off and on sick, the good thing is though my social security case has been pushed forward. So instead of waiting years and years I've waited maybe two, and they've got me a date. July 17th. My lawyer I met with last week said there was no way in hell I was going to lose, it's a matter of will I get social security disability as a part of my dad's old thing, SSI, or both. Hopefully both so I'll have max amount of money plus medicaire/medicaid insurance.

Also, I will have all my partials very soon. Would have had them sooner, but mom wants them in wax first to make sure nothing is wrong, and the dentist suggested it so. That's another twelve days added onto my next appointment and then it's learning to eat from the ground up again.

On the lighter side of life. In the past two.. three weeks I've gained a momukmental amount of friends again. As most of you know, I'm disabled and rather isolated, nothing to do with my free time. No friends here, they all live elsewhere which blows. My best of friends live elsewhere, or I'd lost conttact with them.

Well. Guess what. Stephanie, my friend I've bitched about on here for not getting ahold of me and whatnot and giving up on her, has got back in touch. We got shitfaced, and I puked on another friend of mine which was fun. I have started drinking a little too much. My parents were both alcoholics so. I need to watch it but at least I'm not addicted to prescription painkillers.

And my BEST FRIEND I'VE KNOWN FOR TWELVE SOMETHING YEARS IS BACK! ERIC FROM THE NAVY. He is back from the Navy, lives like five minutes away. Practically lives here. We're usually together fucking around and doing stupid shit, reigning chaos upon the world. He is a cosplayer, Leigh talked to him on the phone and he will be at AUSA to cosplay. Possibly Otakon. Squee.

And then using myspace and then him, I've gotten ahold of other people. Got ahold of MyeongHi, got to see her baby Gavin Michael and take care of him. I mean I fucking hate kids but maybe my biological clock turned on or something, but that baby fusses with everyone but me. I hold him and he's gentle and warm and is nice and cute and quiet.

Got ahold of Andrew, a friend from highschool and middle school and beyond Eric and I hung out with. Uhh. Through MyeongHi, got ahold of Sung Min. He went to Westpoint. Yeah. He's pretty awesome. And then met his friends. And there's a bunch more, just gyah. I've been out pretty much everyday and all night. Exhausting myself and people. I am not like you. I get worn out very easily, cons wear me out within the first few hours as most of you have seen. But, I'm okay. I've just been stressed, kinda sickie right now. Worried about some things, needing to get a papsmear done asap despite my fears of it because some stuff isn't functioning properly. Whatever. But yeah, I can't run around constantly and not relax. So. I just run around, go crazy and then CRAASSSHHHHHH.

Finally got Tamagotchi Connection Corner Shop for the DS a few weeks back, and then TAMAGOTCHI CONNECTION CORNER SHOP 3 CAME OUT ON TUESDAY BIATCHES. I LOVE THAT GAME OMG. I KNOW IM A DORK BUT F U ALL.

But yeah. I've been super busy, never knew how much my phone could ring and beep from texts and whatnot. Oh and also got ahold of other people from HS, and whatnot.

And of course. Cosplay and con drama. Life wouldn't be complete without it after all.

If I've missed calls and whatnot, or texts. My phone has been acting kinda funky. Sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't. Man, Leigh I've had this layout for awhile. You needsta make me a new one. And yay for cutting your hair my lovely.

Been worried about peoples. Haven't heard a damn word from Jen. Sigh.

That's shite in a nutshell, folks.

SO MANY BAD THINGS HAPPENED AT ACEN SOME GOOD NOT EVEN GOING INTO THE HELL OF IT THERE RIGHT NOW I'M HURT AND YEAH. MOST OF YOU KNOW BUT ANYWAY. BAI.

So MTAC was a blast. My girlfriend Jenna came down and it was great. She even got to come to my house for a few days before her family went stupid. Which they like me, but somehow read my LJ and don't like what I post. Yeah? Well. Fuck you. My therapist says this is a good venting outlet. Otherwise I'd become Columbine kids. Now what do you have to say? Oh and yeah. STOP TREATING JENNA LIKE SHIT AND LIKE SHE'S A FUCKING CHILD.

Anyway. I met a lot of awesome people. And yes, people want pictures and I will have them up soon including my Katsucon pics on cosplaycom. I'm resizing about 200 plus pictures and uploading. I've got people from the con biatching. I put together a photoshoot there, I'm happy. Anyway, met lots of awesome people, Tara.. an awesome jrock lover who knows good old school and looks awesome. Jessica, who was a beautiful Kadaj. Lots of other people I knew, and got numbers and whatnot. Casey, the two Genesis's ..uhh. Lots more. AND ABRA. Who rules. And wants me to go to ACEN and it's on the 16-18th of this month. I'd have to drive alone and mom is bitching about it, as if I haven't done it a thousand times before. Wtf. About money. I dun have to pay for room, just getting in. And gas. She says she'll stop me but whatever.

Advent Children Rufus has to be one of my best costumes ever. You all know how much I've been wanting to get into Final Fantasy stuff. But yeah, besides him. Need to figure out what else for ACEN.

And I hate my cosplaycom account from lack of stuff but that's okay. I had SO MUCH BEFORE MY ACCOUNT GOT WIPED. AND MY COMP DIED. BUT LOTS IS COMING IN A DAY OR SO.

But today is a bad day. My dad's death was on May 5, and yeah. I get extremely depressed and ugh. So, sorry I haven't been around. Love love.

MTAC MTAC MTAC. Running late. Sucks Jen won't be there today but hopefully her dad won't pull out on bringing her there by 10 or 11. AND NOT IN THE NIGHT TIME. UGH. I still need to register. ANYWAY. Finally uploaded some pics from Katsucon. Not on cosplay.com yet, and not here. I'll post when I get back. But here are recent pictures of me. Blonde hair current because I am teh RUFUS SHINRA. Whee. Look how thin I've gotten, and my face. WAY DIFFERENT EVEN FROM FEBRUARY. Happy. I can finally like pics of me, and I've always hated them. Enjoy.




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it's my birthday. im 23 and old.

So, around last week I was walking through my house and I heard this horrible growling cry and loud barking. My cat, Luna Midnight and my dog Purinsesu were outside. Midnight is an inside cat mostly, but she likes going out every once in awhile. And Purinsesu is an outside half lab, half german shepard mix that looks like a damn fuzzy dalmation almost. But anyway. I run and open the door to see what's going on outside and there's this Rottweiler.. I have no idea how to spell it. Anyway, it was foaming at the mouth. Loose. And my cat was in the snow/grass. Crying and blood everywhere. And my dog was fighting this rabid dog. Looked like Purinsesu came to Midnight's rescue. I had to stop it, I thought they were going to die. And hell, that dog could have killed kids and people and other animals. And come to find out it had killed other pets. This dog was from like a few miles away apparently, and had gotten loose. Been labeled as a dangerous dog, but yeah. I found this out later from the E-Vet. Well, I run to the closet and grab a rifle. We have a rifle, shotgun. And I personally own a 9 ml, and magnum. But those are locked up and not the best for long distance shooting. By the time I ran outside again, my dog was getting torn to pieces, Midnight had been tossed again like a ragdoll and I was screaming. I was on the rifle team in JROTC in highschool, and I'd hunted with my dad before and I'm a video game freak so you tell me if I'm a good shot or not. So standing on my deck/porch I took aim at the mad dog, trying to get a clear shot so I wouldn't hit my dog while they were fighting. The snow made the blood look worse. I shot. It went through the Rottweiler's throat and the dog went down. Purinsesu collapsed and me. Barefoot and in a robe, wifebeater and panties run out in the snow and go to check on my pets and that dog. And like in a horror movie when you think the killer's dead and then pops back to life that dog lunged at me and if I hadn't been quick? I would have died. I shot it in the head and it went down. I ran inside and called the Emergency Vet, he's a Vet who is cheaper and has a mobile van and makes house calls for shots, check ups even injuries and whatnot. I called and told him what happened, he told me I had no need to worry and cry about killing that other dog. It could have killed me and later on he'd call me the next day and tell me the info on where it came from. But I told him my pets were bleeding and dying and he told me to just get some towels and run outside and cover them up, I didn't want to move them in case of something terrible. And just try and keep them warm and protected. Here I am in all that blood. He arrives, and takes care of my pets. The snow made it look worse than it was. But my cat, she was basically eaten apart at her lower legs and tail and some of her upper legs. But he stitched her and bandaged and said she'd be okay. Gave me some sedative stuff and gave her antibiotic shot and a rabies shot just in case. My dog wasn't as bad off, but he did pretty much the same and told me what to do with them. They're all right. Purinsesu is out and about outside, and Midnight is finally starting to walk somewhat. So yeah.

And lately I've been having these bad panic attacks, and I have eczema. And I start itching. Well, it got worse over the past days and it was more like I was breaking out in hives and whatnot and I had run out of Valium, my mom's xanex barely helped. And I had to take benadryl. I had to take a lot of it and I could barely breathe, talk, eat anything. Was deathly ill. This was yesterday. And I got my Valium that afternoon from mom, and was able to calm and breathe more but I'm still itchy. Not as bad as before. I kinda changed my bedding thinking there might be something on it and used this new quilt but it doesn't keep me warm so I had to put the other blankets atop it. So the quilt's a barrier until I can get them washed.

But yeah, over the weekend I replaced FFX. Because, I want to replay it. SEYMOUR IS AWESOME. Yes, in english he has a gay voice but the japanese version is Suwabe Jun'ichi and he is GOD. So. You suck if you hate Seymour! Lol. And my game was cracked just a bit and wouldn't load up. It'd get the PLAYSTATION 2 but the game would never start so I replaced it. Seven bucks. And I replaced my Soul Calibur II and III games my cousin stole. But eh. I've just been ucky and haven't been around much.

I'm worried about Leigh a lot. I can never get ahold of her, and I'm just worried to death about what I've seen in posts and yeah. I love you lots hon, I wish I could talk to you.. if anything just to have someone to talk to since you're my best friend.

Been talking with JenJen, and I'm not going to WV this month for her birthday, stress and money it would make no sense so we decided she'd come down here for MTAC as planned, but we planned her coming early and staying as long as she wanted anyway, so yay for girlfriendness.

I'm still tearing myself apart if I want to cosplay someone other than Advent Children Rufus since I love doing costume changes but once I get into him I don't get out. I still need to remake his costume, the veil, the Jenova box and Jenna's EMR for her Reno. And I need to cut my hair short and dye it the AC blonde, and acquire the bandages and whatnot I need for my stigma. I think I might skip the wheelchair and do the constant.. A GOOD SON WOULD HAVE KNOWN pose. xD But yeah. Soul Cal keeps wanting me to cosplay from it. TAKI IS MOCKING ME AND SO IS SEONG MINA AND TALIM. DAMNIT. XD; AND IVY AND YEAH.

Anyway. Valium time.

So, I already wrote about the physical fight my mother and I had. And mind you my mother can be rather dense about most things in general and I decided to sit down and talk to her which since I slept on and off all day and didn't get up really until ten P.M. The sleeping was the calm after the storm. Oh and of course like every abusive person, she apologized for what she did again, and said she was going to apologize to JenJen as well. But this is the calm after the shitstorm where I tried to talk to her where I'll somehow sum up here:

I sat down, and was trying to talk to her about things in general. My life, etc. And I don't know how she didn't pick up on it but she knows I'm bisexual, a lesbian with exceptions, or as I was called at Katsu, the ultra dyke lezbo. She didn't pick up that Jenna and I were a couple. And Jen had come out to her mom just about being bisexual and then the biggie that we were a couple so I figured what the hell, it was worse for her I need to tell my mother that Jen and I are together, and some things I'm interested in and always have been, and done in my life and wanted to pursue perhaps school wise and just things in general. Well, told her Jen and I were a couple and she went on saying I was an abomination, ugly, a loser, pathetic and stupid and that my self esteem was so low I thought I wasn't good enough to get a real relationship, a man. And called me a "fucking piece of shit freak and I wish they never ripped you from my loins and that you were actually the tumor I thought you were for six months". And I said so Jenna's a freak too? Your fucking sister that DIED and you were too much of a cunt to go to her FUNERAL was a freak as well? And then it was a constant back and forth screaming argument. And I told her things I was interested in. School wise, the reason I said taking classes for an x ray tech or sonography was so I'd have a career rather than just a working job all my life. College isn't for everyone. But anyway. I hate Austin Peay, and I'd said since I was in the sixth grade. And just scream scream scream back and forth, her saying all this shit how I'm a failure. Acknowledging the sickness, but then screaming that I'm a loser. And then I tell her what I'm interested in, and for those who don't know..

Has anyone ever watched Food Network and the challenges or Sugar Rush or anything? I'm really into baking, designing cakes. Not just cheap icing and a cake. I mean cutting, carving. Fondit. Sugar pieces, chocolate pieces and molding all that. I mean, I made money for a con on a wedding cake for one of my mom's friends. Pastry work is an art. The chocolatier, sugar work, cake design.. it's an artform. Culinary Arts? Yeah. And then she fucking says I dont even know how to make a cake from scratch? Wtf. I never used cake mixes. AND SHE WAS THE ONE WHO INTRODUCED ME TO HER FRIEND THAT I MADE A CAKE FOR. WTF?!?! And of course there's video game design. But yeah, pastry/dessert arts. I know there are pastry schools, and then culinary schools and hell. APSU is a liberal arts school and a friend of mine when I was younger couldn't go there because she wanted to do what I did. Culinary Pastry Art. And mom starts shit with you think youre gonna become head chef in one day. Everyone starts at the bottom. NO SHIT. EVERYONE STARTS AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERY JOB. I could open my own store, or commission from home like I did before. Hell look at what Duff Goldman's done! And I actually got to pipe at Charm City Cakes in Baltimore before. So UGH. It pisses me off.

But talking of school and life and everything. Me moving later in the year and all that, and there's more to the argument, way too much to explain. I called Jen, crying my eyes out. And went yelling at mom again and put Jen on speaker. Oh, yeah one of the things she was bitching was I said the room would be about sixty a night for MTAC. I said NO. Katsucon, my cut was sixty dollars. I told her a thousand times it was going to be 200 at the very LEAST. So I put Jen on speaker, and went in there and asked Jen if it was true and how many times I told her since she'd been on the phone. Jen tells her four, five times something like that. And I told mom to tell her to call Jen what I am. That I'm a freak and ugly and disgusting and everything she said. And there was screaming. And I was supposed to go see Jen on the 21st too, mom said. Now it's the 26th of March till the 29th. Wtf. And she said as I called it, my car needed fixing and it's fine now she just wants an excuse. Oh and when she found out Jen and I were a couple she said Jen couldn't come down and stay as long as she wanted. But anyway, she started shouting about the car again and THEN. WHICH DON'T ANYONE EVER FUCKING DO. IS TALK SHIT TO SOMEONE I LOVE AND CARE ABOUT. ESPECIALLY MY GIRLFRIEND. Now I'd defend my best of friends just as hard. I'd stand up for Leigh and others as strong. But my mom started talking shit to Jenna, and I really lost it. And btw, during the fight earlier also. She hit me again, and threw my Katsucon stuff around and ripped some things up. But yeah, a shitstorm. And sigh. I was in a lot of pain from the cold and arthritis and sick and yeah. Just, there's part of the hell that happened and I was crying so much. And hurting.

And as I said at the beginning, after this I spent the whole day in bed. I hadn't eaten all day the day before, or today. And it wasn't until 10 P.M. after here and there her waking me up that she apologized and said she would apologize to Jenna, and that she could still stay here. And she was worried about me.

As most abusers are. I must have battered wife/child syndrome or something. One of the things I told her was just because you give me aid or money and whatnot doesn't mean you get automatic respect and affection and can treat me like scum. But you know. Whatever. She supposedly is sorry. Again. And is worried. Again. Whoop de doo.

My mother may be covering MTAC stuff and whatnot, and she helps me out moneywise since the doctors were against me going to school or getting a job, but I'm getting better. She thinks that since she's paying for this and that, that I automatically owe her respect. It doesn't work that way. She's been screaming at me for three days now. About my medicine. Calling me a liar, saying I've done this and that which I haven't. Like taking some of her meds, or not taking my medicine. And she stormed in my room, screaming at me to count the pills in my antibiotic which only knocks out some symptoms. It doesn't cure pneumonia or flu. HELLO. VIRUS YOU FUCKING MORON. But I had been accidently taking this anti-fungal medicine I used to take since a doctor who fucked me royally thought molds and fungi in TN were affecting my system. And the bottles Ciproflaxin and Veraflaxin look the same. I saw flaxin, the pills look the same and all. So yeah. Was an accident. So then I tossed the wrong bottle across the room, and have been taking Cipro. And then later, she comes to count pills a day or so later or something. And says I still wasn't taking them and I was. And she just has been tirading. And she knows with my Addison's Disease, my adrenal glands and my stomach are the worst places to hurt me. And I had been in pain. She punched me in the stomach, and then reached around, and punched my lower back hard. But I smashed her wrist in defense with a lotion bottle, and then chucked it at her head to get her off me. And she leaves the room laughing. And even this morning she came in here screaming at me. Saying that I didn't say the room cost for the hotel per night would be 200 something dollars a night since I probably couldn't get it at the con rate, and yelling and screaming and being the fucking cunt she is. I'm greatful for things she does, and money she shares and all that. But that doesn't give her license to call me a liar. And beat me up. And notice, she hit me where I hurt the worst. And she knew that I was struggling with my Addison's too. I have huge bruises and they hurt bad.


So, I still have the flu and pneumonia. And it sucks bigtime. I decided to go ahead and call and get the room for MTAC. And I got a room per the usual for three nights. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, checkout Sunday. But it's past due for the con rate. So that sucks. It's like 201 bucks a night plus tax but MTAC is my birthday con so. ::Shrugs:: Mom is going to cover it. It sucks not having a job, it's nearly impossible to get one here. Because so much needs to be done. I've got a machine I can work with now, not very good but it'll work. And I need to whip up my new Rufus costume since the other Advent Children one does not fit since it's too big. I need to make sure I get my bandages, and get stuff to put the stigma on, the veil, make a new Jenova box. And I have a wheelchair. Now it's great for cosplay pictures, and I'll be in it sometimes and sometimes not. You know there are stairs and thin hallways and crowds it gets in the way. But you know you can walk around as Rufus with the veil around your shoulders and that god damn box and people know who you are. I didn't see one Rufus ShinRa at Katsucon. And I love Rufus. But yeah. And I need to make JenJen's EMR for Reno. I need to pre-reg, and so does she and need to talk to her about it.

Her birthday is coming up soon and I'm going to go up there to see her for it. I have a doc appt on the 25th, my reg doc appt and her bday is the 20th. But I'll be able to stay for a little while.

Now I've been frustrating and talking with Jen. In the past, I do costume changes. And even now I do. I hate just using one costume. You know Saturday is the BIG day. But then there's Friday. And I still have not decided since I love Rufus so much, if I'll make costumes from videogame girls or what. Like, there's talk of me being Mai, and Jen doing Chun Li. But like I said. Rufus is the man, and I love him so much. And I'm the con person, like many of my friends.. that love to just walk around, hit the dealer's room. A few events and panels. And meet people. Show off. And want lots of pics since it's been forever since I've cosplayed Shachou, due to illness or unable to get things together or had other commitments in the cosplay world. But MTAC was gonna be my videogame release. Now, I keep thinking I might do Iori. People show up as usual on cons on Thursday, and people randomly cosplay and wander about that night too.

One of my friends thought it was stupid JenJen and I are staying alone, saying that cons are about meeting people, blah blah. Uh. It's my fucking birthday convention. Pending on if she's got a job by end of April or whatever. Or her crazy go nuts mother, she'll probably be staying and visiting for awhile and then we'll be going to the con. We want to be alone in our room. And it's getting covered, so that's great. I'm sure I'll see friends there and I become a social bumblebee at cons and meet people and come home with a thousand numbers but yeah. My Shiori hair, I need to grow it out for my loverly angelness. But yeah. If I do Rufus, I want my real hair. I never use wigs for short haired characters. I liked having short boy. Yanno, my Ruka hair. Since it's the classic anime boy cut, and I can go from person to person without a wig and just hair coloring.

But yeah. So, I want opinions. I do costume changes even on Saturdays but it's been so long since ShinRa, I want to kinda do him the whole time. And Jen wants to do Reno the whole time, I think.

So what do you guys think. Should I stay as Rufus all four days, really. Since I'll wander around Thursday night probably. Or should I do a different costume Thursday night, and then something Friday. I kinda need to buckle down. If I'm going to do multiple costumes, I don't want Jen to feel left out if I'm in a different genre or video game or yaoi costume yanno. I'd want her to cosplay someone matching me, and I imagine she'd want to. Why we talked about Chun Li and Mai Shiranui. But gimme some opinions!

And omg, our room is awesome too. We have a private balcony. MTAC Infinity is being held at the biggest hotel yet, and it's gorgeous. I've seen it before, and it just will suck being in Nashville traffic, but I go to Nashville so much it doesn't bother me.

Stay as Rufus? Do costume changes? What? If I do as I said, do costume changes I have to figure out what gonna be done, and talk to JenJen.

I can't wait to see her. I get to see her like monthly probably unlike Heather. So it's long distance but only six hours or so. Not bad. And I've driven to Otakon and Katsu and other cons so no problem. Mom is bitching and I knew she would say it. YOUR CAR WON'T MAKE IT. AND WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY RIGHT NOW TO GET IT FIYAAAXED. Bullshit. She's pretty much figured it out Jen and I are a couple. So yeah.

Ugh, gotta shake this sickness. It's killing me.

Yanno, what sucks about cosplay stuff. Sometimes it's not even the costume. IT'S THE ACCESSORIES AND WIGS THAT KILL YOU. Lol.

I love my JenJen. <33333333333333333333333333333333333

woohoo, private balcony. That'll be sexy. And I think like a cosplayer so I think I'll get someone to get a picture of Rufus holding Reno out on the balcony. yaoi is good. Rufus x Reno is love.


**EDIT**EDIT**
So. Mom and I were fighting this morning. And yelling and screaming. I mean we'd been getting along and then all this shit started. She apologized to me though, for hurting me and calling me a liar and all the things she's done and been screaming at me about for the past couple days. Said she's stressed out and she shouldn't be taking her stress out on me. And as far as the YOUR CAR ISN'T FIXED SO YOU CAN'T DRIVE TO WEST VIRGINIA.. her spring break starts the 21st. A day after my baby's birthday. But, she said we don't have the money right now to get my car fixed. And that she would take me up there on the 21st, and then pick me up after a few days, whenever the break is up and whatnot. And MTAC my car will be fixed. And mom said she can stay as long as she wants, and I'll be able to go get her and bring her here. And she can stay however long she wants. And that depends on her neurotic mother and if she has a job or something then. but yeah.

I've been so depressed for days, and yes I've been very sick and still am extremely sick. Finally the stuff from my chest is coming up thanks to Mucinex, but I curse it too because it's so hard to breathe, coughing so much. Though I was using an inhaler. Anyway.

I've been very depressed, and at the point of suicidalness sometimes. I have SAD, Severe Acute Depression, and it's the worst kind you can get. My mom stayed home and had someone stay with me since she thought I was going to kill myself. And took meds from my room as well at one point. I am usually depressed all the time, but you know it gets really bad sometimes. And even new people I've met have gotten depressed from katsu, or are saying it's cursed. and I've said a thousand times, I'm not just depressed from the con, it's been you know me being sick, and especially when you have the flu out of all sickness you reflect about tons of misery.

but there's a light at the end of this tunnel as I've said. My friend JenJen, who I've mentioned many times in my LJ before, has been one of my best friends for a very long time now and I have always cared a lot about her. During this time of depression and even near suicidalness she's been by my side, stuck by me. Been there for me. And we've beeen talking about some things lately. Admitting some things to each other, some secrets and truths we've kept hiden. I've moved on. Yes, I was dumped on Christmas Eve or whatever, and it wasn't cool. Even if I can be bitter about it, and that it wasn't handled properly the break up period which Heather and I have both said it should've been handled better. But anyway. I've said I've moved on, but I can still be bitter about what happened, and things that I think. I have other relationships that shit has gone bad or shit happened that hurt and I still remember and think or talk about but let's get down to what I'm trying to say. Something happened at a point, and it's personal and I got jealous about something JenJen did.. and between the both of us things just kept exploding out. And ya told me to brag so here I go.

JenJen and I are officially together. And if you don't know who she is, she's klavierbarrette on LJ. And yeah. We are together, and are dating. And unlike Heather and I where the distance was massive, she lives six hours or less from me. Mapquest says like seven but it has me going a psycho way, and I would go a different way, as if I was going to Sugoicon. So. She lives maybe six hours total away from me. And I drive nutso. But yeah, I'll be able to visit her a lot. And whenever I move, I'll be even closer to her. <3 She is probably gonna be at MTAC with me. Hehehe. Maybe as Reno to my Rufusness since I've said MTAC is gonna be videogame and yaoi time. I am doing videogameness. I mostly crossplay, and rarely play women. If I do, they're masculine usually. But anyway. I've had videogame cosplays I've been wanting to do for awhile and had to postpone because of sickness or whatever. But yeah. I can say this now.

JENJEN IS MY WOMAN.
HANDS OFF. XD

Seriously, she's an amazing girl. And actually older than me surprisingly. But like, a month. Lol. xD Raburabu.


See, I bragged, sweetie. ::Gives orchids:: RabuRabu.

so leigh posted she's okay and that's good, she helped me from having an addison's crisis at the con this weekend. and i hope this flu doesnt send me into a full blown one or i end up in the hospital. anyway. hope everyone else made it back safe and sound and is okay as well. and i wonder how many people got as sicky as i am. the flu is hell. whenever i get it, it's just. UGHHH.. im walking death.

still sick. still all ucky. and depressed. and as i've said i will repeat again. im depressed over life in general. been thinking a lot about my dad, and just everything. as i said, katsu makes you depressed. and well. i'm sick with the flu. and when i get sick, especially i think when you get the flu all you can do is sit, blow out snot, cough, and reflect. and being sick, you reflect on sickly things. sad things. i just think about my friends i had back in the day, and college crap with atreyu, who ruined many lives. and other friends i've lost touch with over the years from highschool and cons and college and everyday life. and then i just go back to thinking about my daddy. how if he was not sick like he was in the end, but when i was sick how he'd bring me sassafrass tea. and tell me stories, and pet my hair and be glued to my side.

i'd give anything. to have even one more minute with my daddy..

i am so fucking sick it's not even funny. i still need to post pictures and i still need to list off what all i got at katsucon which for those who were there saw how much yaoi doujinshi i got. and i dont like just lovey dovey junk, i want smut and cock if i get it. but i got a lot of cool stuff i wanna list. and i need to make the list of things im planning on selling of stuff i have but havent got to that yet.

welcome all newcomers to the journal that is tori, the shachou.

but yeah im too sick to even open up a doujinshi comic and read. since remember im fluent and can speak and read. i feel sorry for some who have the doujinshi but cant read what's being said. but pictures are hot. especially if they end up with just lovey dovey no smut and they wanted smut. or the ones that have fanfics in them. but anyway i havent been able to enjoy my smut and the past cons i've been stuck not finding any doujinshi from series, just original artists. now, i like artists like AYA who do the 200 page, hardbook nothing but smut. that's artbook yaoi. im talking about doujinshi yaoi comic yaoi. nh, i need my series. and i dont know why everyone likes seph x cloud, but the only time i do is when cloud is shouta and getting the hell raped out of him. GO ZEPHYR AND GO JENJEN FOR SUPPORTING ME WITH TEH SHOUTANESS.

zephyr you rule as a new RP partner and cosplayer. must do reno and rufus photoshoot. since you and i will be teh sex.

but not even been able to watch my hentai i am just. blech. and depressed as hell too. as i said katsu the emo con of doom, it's not that it's just as if going there, there's drama shit happens and upon returning you're just feeling ucky about life in general and depressed. i dont remember a katsu that i've gone and didnt end up miserable and depressed. and like i said, it's not just things that happened at the con, it's life in general mostly. life in general.

sorry for the bitchfest guys. but lj's were made for that and quizzes.

nnh. anyone going to mtac? STEPH YOU NEED TO READ LJ. IF YOU'RE GOING AND WANTING TO COSPLAY I NEED TO KNOW WTF YOU WANT TO DO, OR IF YOU'RE GOING AT ALL. and i need to ask sam. because i am not going by myself. or walking around by myself. mom said she'd stay in the room with me if i went and she says you're so outgoing you'd be hanging out with new friends in five minutes and having fun. it's not the same. i wanna make sure im not alone before i even get there. still need to get a room. need people to chill with. and need to figure out costumery for said con. i think it's going to be videogame yaoi love time. shachou needs to be out and kickin' it. as well as getting his cock sucked. xD

anyway, love love to all.

nh. i'll list what i have from the con later. and post some pictures later.

i have the flu. and other problems, ibs acting up and more, hurting all over. wish i had josh here to rub my back, but i have a shiatzu chair. too heavy to move though to the chair to where i can sit. and my chest hurts almost like im having a heart attack, and i dont know what it is. anyone might know what is making it like that besides anxiety? i'm very depressed. can't cry anymore. when i get sick i always am depressed. i have severe chronic depression period, but. i dunno. im extremely depressed but it's not just sickness and my mind playing tricks on me and i dont know. it's like everything bad that is in my life, anything and everyything from my dad being dead to stress now is making me miserable and also, i just dont want to be in the hospital, im so sick and mom says im suicidal acting and she's watching me like a hawk. i told her it's just depression and the sickness. i hope this sickness doesn't put me into a crisis i can't stop and catch. i just am completley and utterly miserable.

Well, I made it back alive. I almost had an addison's crisis at one point but luckily was able to cut it off at the pass.

The flying, when I experienced the first take off and all that, and the having to go through security hell and shite, I was gripping onto that seat. But now, I think I kind of like flying. If I can be at 37 thousand in the air, I can be on a step ladder.

Katsucon:
I met a lot of really cool people at Katsu. People I'd been looking forward to meeting, had heard about. And even surprise people and great people. But it remains to be labeled eternally as THE EMO CON OF DOOM. I swear every Katsu I have ever been to, something shitty happens, some drama. Just something. And their insanity strict rules are insane too so ya know that doesn't help. I don't think there was a person I knew at the con that didn't cry atleast one point in time. Too much shit, from every which direction. Drama that had been going on for years, new drama. Even a con virgin got some drama! And sweet nice Sarah who is awesome. And I think the only girl in our room who was straight. And didn't swing at least toward one girl in her life. But she was awesome. Got to meet some of the rest of the fellow AS cosplay crew. The only thing about flying that sucks is you can't bring as much stuff. Though because of the weight loss and all that no costumery really fits anymore and I'm remaking everything. This was supposed to be my step back into cosplay. Hehehe BAIT BAIT BAIT! --inside joke, those who were there shall understand. Met lotsa new people besides the ones in my room so hey. I spent some moolah in the dealer's room, of course. I said I probably wouldn't but uh. It's me, guys. And they finally were there with yaoi doujinshi from series, and not just original art. I like some original art, like Aya's work. But those are the huge ol honkin' books that are 200 pages of lovely cock. I got a ridiculous amount of stuff from some of my fave series. I was going to go hit the Dealer's Room on Sunday morning with JJ but she never answered her phone or texts. It's weird. It's like my phone since it was roaming probably sometimes, or maybe the connection just wasn't that great because I noticed that in other phones of people. Just them not working or being able to get through, and the person being there or something. Or the call or text not even showing up. Eh. Washington D.C. Who knows.

Cosplay wise. Since I was on flight. Since my mini machine is dead and since I've been hand sewing parts of Seymour basically. I was Dr. Yutaka Watari from Yami no Matsuei--IN ENGLISH=Descendants of Darkness..-- on Thursday night and Friday. Though the wig, came as an orange that was OOORRAAANGE. I'll load pictures tomorrow if it. And upload them to cosplay.com account. I was supposed to do Shiori from Utena but that just didn't come to be. I'm not gonna get into it, it's a long story. Stress, sickness, business all of that stuff. My hair though is Shiori styled and hot. Dyed it burgundy, it's very pretty and Leigh cut it Shiori style. She was gonna do the costume at the con on Thursday, then Friday, and then Saturday. Just business and sickness and stuff, she just couldn't get it done. Which is okay. Only thing that upset me was that I really wanted to do her. And I waited a lot on Saturday for just my best friend to return to the room, and she was pretty sickie and out of it. I was stressing about it since I really wanted to do her. That sounds wrong. Lol. I had to do a lot of waiting around, like I said for her to be in the room to work, and then working itself and for fitting when it would be happening. And there was more to be done than thought, so. And not feeling good means sewing not gonna be good, and she didn't want to half ass anything, wanted it perfect. There's always time. I didn't get to bring my sissy's sewing machine either since she's gonna go to Anime Boston in March she decided, so I'll get it mailed after that to me. Which is funny since it's just gonna end up back with my sissy, as I am her little brother when we move into a place in May. My next con is MTAC. My home con. I haven't gotten a room yet, and not sure who is going. I need to ask Stephanie and some other people. I'm not going by myself. And I've been thinking of some female videogame cosplay and by that I mean from fighting games. Not like Aeris or Tifa. Ewness there. I'm thinking Seong Mina from Soul Calibur 2 or something. I'm looking teh sexy now. Heh, Leigh.. my sissy barely recognized me at the airport with how much weight I lost. I toldya guys I was skinneh. But, after the day of waiting around, being stressed on Saturday. I really wanted the costume done and was willing to wait but it just didn't happen and it's cool. Just in retrospect maybe I shoulda just went out and continue Watari on Saturday as well since I didn't get to cosplay at all that day, and that is the cosplay day. But yeah, we went out to eat after just quit sewing and there were eight of us out there and I went into Addison's mode. I didn't go to the rave Friday since I wanted to go to the one on Saturday since it was the BIG ONE. But I got so fucking sick, and I was so glad Leigh was there since she knows what's up with the Addison's, and what needed to be done. I felt like a hinderance being slow with walking, and with steps but they said I wasn't. You know I finally find a group of people where I don't feel like I'm on the outside looking in and it feels good. But yeah, I cut it off at the pass. The attack came but I got meds down me before vomitting, and pain as well. And I was able to actually rave. And a misunderstanding I had with someone the day before, was turned into bosom buddiness in 2.5 seconds. We had so much likes in common anime wise, it was great. JJ is an Atobe x Tezuka pair lover from Prince of Tennis, and loves it. And we have other mutual loves so it was great clearing the air and coming together. Though we were supposed to hit the dealer's at ten on sunday and I could never get ahold of her which was a shame. I met bah. Awesome people besides just ones in my room including a masseuse. How lucky is that. But yeah, I went to the rave with KerShelbster and JJ, and as raves happen we got seperated at one point. You know, they're so crowded and switching dance parteners and pouncing friends..yeah. But this guy, totally loved the way I was dancing, had the glow sticks and his nickname is Venom. There is this joke going I'm the uber lesbian who likes the manilla wafers of the exceptions, not the chcocolate and vanilla typically. Well, Venom was black. And he was my like..dance partner till the rave ended at like five thirty, six in the morning. It was going to end, coming to its end and someone passed out, or blew his eardrums.. I think it was dehydration but he had to be carried out on a stretcher. There were a lot of accidents and stretcherness this weekend. Leigh's Miyu was very prettiful. <3. But yeah, I came into my own at that rave. Man, when they played Blood Bath, which is the beginning part of the movie Blade, where the vampire club scene is. It's the song going, and it's ten minutes long. I just, became a vampire. I shook it, grinded, spun and break danced. And was dead by time I got back in the room.. and I think Shelbs said for me to go sleep in the hall? I was whispering to Scott. There was nowhere to sleep but with him on the blow up mattress. I didn't wanna just hopt into bed with him not knowing. He wasn't asleep anyway. But I was barely speaking. The rave made up for the bad part of the Saturday that I got so stressed I cried. I had my emo moments. I'll uh, write a list of all the stuff I bought tomorrow. Err, today. Just later. Like I got no sleep Wednesday before Thursday having to get on the flight and got virtually maybe an hour total of sleep all the days, my mother says I look like a zombie. I'm so tired here typing but I know some people wanted to know I'm okay and all that. I'll post Watari pictures too. I have some great shots of me as him. I wish Shiori coulda been pulled off but there shall be other cons and no problem. I need to figure out what I'm gonna do for MTAC. Since I didn't get the machine, and won't till after sometime in March and yeah.. I need to find out when MTAC is too. I'll probably be doing handsewing costumery. I'm thinking I'll do videogameness. And yaoi if Steph comes which she has no choice so there. And I'll have to make her costume. I might get another little mini machine. But anyway Sunday was just. OMFG.

So, no me and JJ hitting the dealers. People having to pack and check out is noon and sissy tells me she has something to take care of? So she was gonna get me a cab and pay since I didn't have anything but credit cards. Well, I was supposed to call and text her and everything.. and this guy Devin saw me struggling with my VERY VERY VERY heavy bag of stuff I bought and my luggage on stairs and in general and hung with me. My phone was dying, couldn't get ahold of her and never even found her. Ended up, luckily there were cabs to be flagged at the hotel and managed to run and find one that accepted credit cards. I was late to the airport, I wanted to leave around one I left late and ugh, going through the airport was hell. I didn't get to say bye to her, and I dont even know what happened. Like I said the phones at the hotel, a lot of different peoples, not just mine.. were having probs with theirs. So maybe she didn't get mine or maybe she got sick or I don't know. I even called when I got back to Nashville and mom and I were coming home and stil nothing. So, I'm worried and hope she's okay. HEAR ME LEIGH. BE OKAY. :x I was panicking when she didn't show upfront for the cabness, that where was she, what happened. And that I was gonna miss my flight. My mom err. Is kinda pissed off a lot. She was worried about me since my phone was going dead and last thing she was getting was that Leigh wasn't taking me to the airport, and I had not enough cash for a cab and yeah. She was really angry, but I'm safe so I think she's gotten over it. She called Leigh wanting to know what was going on. And she got nothing so another reason I was worried too. No answers anywhere. So hon, if you read this please call me or text me or comment and let me know you are safe. I'm safe. I just hope you're safe. I need my sissy after all. Dunno what I'd do without you. Oh wait ya killed me! Lol. My mom when she saw me coming out to the terminal when I came back, almost didn't recognize me. My hair is Shiori cut and the deep purple burgandy, but she saw my tubetop dress on, pinstripe jacket and white stockings, and my black platform lolli shoes. She said I looked so pretty she didn't see me. And she told me tonight, that I looked very pretty in the outfit I was wearing.. a tubetop dress and the shoes and stockings and it's a Hot Topic thing so. YOU KNOW IF YOU KNOW MY MOM SHE ALWAYS HATES EVERYTHING I WEAR. It made me feel good. Like Venom did, like even though there was crying from everyone in one way or another this weekend, even the toughest of the tough. Oi, I'm dead falling asleep and still need to finish eating. We got Krystal's and I hadn't ate a damn thing today.But drama and happiness at Katsu but it has been dubbed the emo con of doom because something yikes happens every year to someone. If I don't go and friends do they tell me things and I'm juse like eeee it's cursed! But.. So. Yeah. In the words of Forrest Gump with a twist. : That's all I got ta say about thaaayaaatt. Katsucon anyway.

I gotta get offa here before I die. Leigh sweetie, call me and let me know you're okay. Love ya hunnies. Sorry if my phone messages around the cab time were so stressed or sounded angry. I was just stressed, afraid I would miss my flight but I got a cab with a credit card as he was about to pull out and drive away I ran and flagged him down. Just not hearing from ya all this time. I worrries. It's my job after all. ;D I owe you a lot, especially helping me when I had the Addison's Attack. Probably you were the reason I was able to make it out of that restaurant with Hank and Evan and Max supporting my body. You helping me breathe, and all that. You took care of me and I love you for it. And like I said, I'm sorry if I sounded annoying at all, totally didn't mean to. And the Shiori thing. Pfft, done and done. It'll get finished later on, so no worries at all and I'm not mad or anything and I hope you ARE feeling better. I'm hoping your heart isn't going eek. Just lemme know. Gotta make sure my best friend is in one piece, like you had to me with my crisis.

Luv to everyone. pics and more info on SHITE I bought tomorrow..err. Later today if I fucking wake up. LOVELOVE. MISSED EVERYONE!

Okay. So I am going to Katuscon in D.C. and my flight leaves tomorrow. And I have two costumes. Which this is what sucks. I still need to remake Watari's badge. I got a new labcoat, so I don't have to sew anything extra on it like I thought I would. I.E. The pocket, the high collar. I have my turtlenecks he has and everything else. All I need is the fucking wig. Which said it shipped out on Monday, so hopefully it will get to Leigh's tomorrow. If not, it'll probably get there Friday and we can just drive back to her place and get it and return to the hotel no sweat.

My primary costume is Shiori. And it really is a formfit costume, and Leigh has been stressed/sickie like me and overloaded herself with costumery stuff. Shiori is pretty much gonna be done at the convention, in the hotel Thursday evening. It really is a form fitting type costume anyway. And my hair will get dyed and cut properly.

So, I have stockings and everything I need for her, only thing I don't have is SHOES FOR EITHER. I THOUGHT I KNEW WHERE THEY WERE NOW I DON'T. So they might be in a bin in my closet, I'm gonna rip through to try and find. And if not, tomorrow I'll have to go to Wal-Mart and buy shoes. I have a pair that would work for both chars. Watari all hangs on the fucking wig getting there.

I really hope Leigh gets something Utena done, because I want pictures with her and because I dun wanna be wanderinng around me being the only one in an Utena outfit. Even though we have an Utena group, we all won't be cosplaying it at the same time, and won't be together at the same time. So yeah. But I'll always be with Leigh. I don't want stupid ass people thinking I'm just a random person dressed in a school uni pretending to cosplay something. BUT JESUS. IT'S SHIORI. WITH THE POOFY SLEEVES AND THE SLUTNESS? She's a little different school uniform wise. Duelist I'll be doing on my own which..

LEIGH IS GIVING ME HER MACHIIIIIINE. FINALLY SEW TIME FOR ME. I JUST HOPE I HAVEN'T GONE DUMB IN THE HEAD AND FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO THINGS. Murr.

I need to pack, start packing and mom is getting on my FUCKING NERVES. DO YOU HAVE THIS DO YOU HAVE THAT YOU NEED TO DO THIS YOU NEED TO THAT.

I'm not dumb, and I don't need ten pairs of pants and eighty shirts for a trip. I've gotta be able to fit shit I buy into that bag and the bag Leigh is lending me for the sewing machine. But yeah, anyway.

Shiori is my main costume, another thing that sucks though is me having to take off my glasses for pictures. And I want cosplay pics of me solo and with others so. Nh. I'm not taking my laptop just gonna take my camera. Oh and mom was bitching about my purse. Which sports convention pins on it. The ones that haven't broken off anyway from cons past. Not all, but a chunk. And I carry it with me, because I need to have my camera, my money with ID cards and whatnot in my wallet. And medicine with me. And I just hate having to put it aside and she was all SOMEONE'S GONNA STEAL IT I KNOW IT. I've been to a million cons. Put things down. I'll be fine. I kinda like showing off my pins though too. So. Pfft.

I just really hope my Watari wig gets there in time. Hopefully tomorrow. At the most Friday, because I want to have more than one costume and not having a machine has hindered me. Since my mini machine has died doing Seymour, and I've been handsewing too.

Icons will not be up until I return, sorry guys. I'm just overloaded right now.

Gotta pack, gotta gather shit. Gotta make Watari badge.

But throughout mom's bitching she gave me money and some credit cards though the cards are for emergency but she'll bend if I call and beg and say I want a few more things in the dealer's room. I was gonna pay for everything myself and transfer money from savings but no. She insisted on giving me four hundred I think.. or 380. And hell. It's fifty bucks to get in the con period, and the room cut is about the same. So I just. I know me. I never spend less than 200 at a con. I'm a buying whore. And we know it especially those who have seen the mountains of artbooks and plushies and dolls and junk that I've bought.

Also on my return I'll be listing shit I'm selling so Pft. Love to everyone, this will probably be my last post until I return on Sunday. Maybe post on Monday.

If anyone needs to contact me, get me on 931-216-9272.

LOVE LOVE.

Well, I forced myself to go out to get things done, since it's Katsucon crackdown time and I had so much to do. And I was so worried I wouldn't find white stockings period and if I did they wouldnt have the bows and frills I needed. And yeah, there were lots of things I had to do today. And

1. Acquire a labcoat.
2. Get what I needed for Watari's tight black and loose pale blue turtleneck.
3. Acquire shoes for Shiori.
4. Get plane ticket from travel agent.
5. Find stockings. And if I couldn't find them, would have to make them, or if I found without frillness, would have to sew things on.
6. Go to Walmart, or if they did not have.. our huge craft store to retrieve a badge. A clear badge that I can slip what I still need to remake, Watari's badge. The inside to slip beneath the plastic covering.
7. Purchase new Watari wig, since housecleaner ruined mine and other wigs. >>;

1. Since my machine is busted, and I've been either handsewing or using my mini-machine to sew and get things together--my mini machine is like err. Dying too. So I went to the main medical supply store in Clarksville where nurses, docs get scrubs and uniforms. The place is closed down and turns out nurses and docs have to go nearest is Hopkinsville to a store there. Nuh uh. And I know that my old college, APSU sells labcoat/nursing coats for nursing classes and whatnot so I went there and purchased one. Now it's not quite as long as Watari's, and it doesn't have the upper pocket. But I highly doubt people will notice since this is a quick last minute costumery workup since my old Watari costume is gigantic on me after the weight loss. Though my psycho neurotic need for perfection in cosplay will probably lead me to sew a pocket on. It's not as long as his either, and making it longer..I'd have to find exact fabric. Feeling and color of white. And it's not too short? Just a little above where I'd like it to be. So. I'll probably sew on a pocket. And the fabric there, since it's just the upper side pocket. Won't be as noticeable if I cant get an exact fabric feel match. Just a pocket. But extending the coat is another matter, and could end up being a mess.

2. This was not done today, by the simple fact I was running around town and I mean from Woodlawn into Clarksville since that's where everything is..but I was all the way across town and by the time I had other things done I was so exhausted, I decided I'd get the turtleneck stuffs and whatnot later.

3. This I also did not do from exhaustion. I'd been ill at night and during the morning. I had to force myself out of bed really. And I was still tired. But I needed to get the ticket and other things. Shiori shoes are Mary Janes pretty much and I'm not as neurotic about them either. Hard heels, I may just use a pair of shoes I have already. It depends on what I think.

4. When I looked online, the very same flight I wanted that was the best timing for me arriving and departing roundtrip, was near 600, 700 dollars. The same flight when I went to the agent, I got for 250.50. So I saved a massive amount of money. The service fee was 30 bucks but that's worth it compared to saving 400, 500 dollars! Anyway, I leave Thursday, Feb 14th from Nashville at 5 PM, arriving at Ronald Reagan in D.C. at 7:34 PM. And these are all times, via timezone. Like 5 cen here, arriving there at 7:34 est. And I'll be departing, and this is the best time I could get because all the others were early morning, and none were later than this. And returning home from D.C. at 3:35 PM, and arriving at 4:35 PM. Times are funny again because of the time zones. And that's on Sunday, the 17th. It says I can have two baggage pieces. Oh and both flights are NONSTOP WOHOO NO TRANSFERS XDDD.

5. I was so worried about the stockings, possibly having to sew frills and whatnot on them, or not finding any at all and having to make them. Well, at Hot Topic in the mall I found a pair of thigh high white stockings, and they're frilly atop and have like a bow on each so. Yay, no having to sew up stuff or lace or stockings themselves or trying to hunt them down in different places. Whoo.

6. The badge holder, I did not get since I was exhausted. Which my mother is going to Wal-Mart tonight, and looking for one. If not there, I'll hit Hobby Lobby tomorrow when I go out with mom. ThSo all I need really is to get the last of my Watari costume done, and Shiori shoes which I might have a pair actually I can use here. But yeah I'll get everything else I need when I go out with mom Saturday which is Watari stuff and maybe Shiori shoes and badge if she can't find one at Wal-Mart.

7. Wig. Bought this morning, and perfect. Easily parted, everything. I have red fabric I can cut out a strip for the bow. And Leigh is going to bring her curling iron. Wig is orange and wavy? But to style some of the bangs how they lift and drop, need some ironage. And yeah, the red bow for his ponytail. Being shipped to Leigh's place. And should get there in time. And if it arrives on V-Day, I'll be gone before my mail delivers, and she'll be there if it arrives on that day. But it should get there before. Sucks that you couldn't choose other than ground but oh well.

----- An Amazing Find!! ROBOT.

So, after calling mom and telling her how cheapo the ticket was, she said I could buy stuff at Hot Topic or whatever if I wanted just don't go overboard crazy. Since we still have to pay some money on the surgery that the insurance didn't cover, and pay some on the dentures/partials. And the upcoming double root canal. But I bought a wig already that she doesn't know about err. Online. And I bought the labcoat. So. When I go through my mall, I kinda have to go through Borders bookstore to get to stuff. And Leigh had told me she picked up Angel Cage, angel sanctuary artbook from her Borders. Haven't been to mine in awhile and since this city sucks I figured we wouldn't have shit. Though it amuses me they have that book EVERYBODY COSPLAY! Filled with Japanese cosplayers from anime, games, and music. Ha. And Cosplay 101. But they had a bunch of artbooks. And since I couldn't find my other AS artbook when I went hunting for it since my mother and the housecleaner put all my anime stuff in a cabinet, book wise and manga stuff and doujinshi when I broke my leg and they had to clean and make room for the bed, yeah. I already have Angel Cage, and the Japanese version. Only thing I hate about buying the other book is it's The Art of Angel Sanctuary, blah blah and in English, not Japanese. But you know, it's the harder to find of the two period at cons. And I have the Jap version of Angel Cage. But yeah, you guys know how picky I am, and I am fluent so. Pft. Uuh..oh yeah. Which you should get a laugh out of this Steph. I've had this poster in my room. ROBOT, and it's a naked shota boy with leather gloves and leather boots curled up. And I love it. But never could find at cons a manga for it. And I knew it wasn't an anime. So it drove me nuts for YEARS AND YEARS now trying to find and hunt it down. And well, some of my artbooks and stuff are in my room. In a BOX O STUFF that I have. With Sensitive Pornograph, Loveless the entire series, Kizuna, all those DVDS. And uh, the Gundam Wing artbook, another anime artbook you guys probably don't know. The Sailor Moon R the movie artbook..and some other stuff. And my CCS pillow. And more but anyway. And I'd go to cons, look and they'd be sold out. It's like an artbook/colored manga with individual stories and whilst looking at the artbooks. WHAM THERE IT IS. Not in Japanese, but WHO CARES I'VE BEEN WANTING IT. They're huge and thick and the first issue is the naked boy on the cover and back. And they had four volumes, so I bought them all. I was so tired though by the time I got home, barely got to look through volume 1. And they all have PARENTAL ADVISORY, blah blah and are all sealed so hehehe. YAY FOR WICKEDNESS. I'm a pervert, shoot me. So yeah, extra money she said I could spend at the mall went toward artbooks and labcoat and the wig.

------Iconage
I'm still working on the BSSM, CCS, and Utena icon group. I'll try and have it posted before I leave for Katsucon on Thursday and I hope everyone enjoys. It's taking so long because I've been busy working on convention stuff, and been sick and the surgery too. And uh. It's frikkin huge. XD And as promised I'll be doing some stock, Angel Sanctuary and more anime icons. So if there's some stock stuff you want to see or anime. In the suggestions post on my userinfo, or here. Comment! BTW. No FMA, No Bleach, No Nana, No Narutardation.

------Flight Fear
I haven't flown since I was four and back then I was excited about it. But now I have a severe fear of heights. And yeah, I got aisle seats. And I always have that fear I'm going to be on THAT plane that crashes. And the whole fear of flight doesn't help after the whole 9/11 stuff.

------Depression, and Worry.
So, I'm worried about Leigh and what's happened. I won't divulge because you might be wanting it private. But I hope everything will be okay. And you've got me to stand by you for support. Worrying about my friends, my best friend makes me upset of course but. I'm having my own issues. I hate Valentine's Day, a commercial holiday and loveydovey crap everywhere. It makes me want to puke sometimes, but at the same time even if you dislike the holiday, don't you want to get something or be apart of it? Get a card, or be with someone who loves you? When Heather and I hooked up, our anniversary ended up being on the 14th. I never was one to celebrate monthly anniversaries but she kinda got me into it. So V-Day last year she was here, and now that we are not together there's that void. I've moved on. But, the remnant thought of our anniversary ending up on V-Day every year and it was one of the most valued relationships of my life since usually mine don't last more than two weeks since I'm such an asshole. It stings, with thinking. And it stings, being alone period. I'm not the one to immediately rush into another relationship. But it's been some months now. Like I said. I've moved on. It's just the memory. And the fact I am single again, and I sorta long for a connection. Sigh. I need a Valentine to snuggle with. But I'll be at Katsucon too, so that will surely cheer me up.

---SALE SALE SALE
Okay, I'm not selling all of my anime stuff and gaming stuff. Mostly just posters. The artbooks and doujinshi are going nowhere. I might sell some of my jrock CD's too. I'll make a list of what all I'll be selling and prices. And when I do, tell your friends even if you dun wanna buy? I'd appreciate it, guys. It'll be mostly posters, huge and small. Heh, it's kinda funny. I've got this CD case which has jrock DVDs, and anime DVDs. Like all of Sailor Moon, PGSM, and then Angel Sanctuary, Advent Children, Yami no Matsuei, and yes. The Japanese DVD set, not the DESCENDANTS OF DARKNESS junk, even though I won a dvd from that series at a yaoi panel once.. Sukisho, Weiss Kreuz + Gluhen, Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer, Hunter x Hunter. It was to keep up with favorites. And have them handy! But I have so much more yaoi like Pornograph, Kizuna, Loveless, FAKE, Mirage of Blaze.. got some TACTICS.. but I doubt they'd all fit in this one case. Might have to get another! Or I'm thinking I might put them back in their cases. I dunno. Keep my favorites together or seperate? I have so many. But I still have the loverly cases to display. xD But yeah, a sale list will go up after Katsucon of posters and other things I'm putting up for sale to get some extra money.

So, as you can see my layout is a tad different. .. Just a tad. Lol. Yes, I am still cosplaying Revolutionary Girl Utena, and being Shiori. The commitments I made with people and groups I still promise on playing the character and whatnot. But I'll get into that and the cosplay aspect of this post in a bit.

I had my dental surgery, and am healing just fine. I saw my endocronologist and she said there really isn't a reason to have the ACTH adrenal function test done. And she said I can take up to 5 mg of prednisone is a safe dose, to keep me functioning. I'm down to 1 mg, but she said yanno if I felt bad..take a few more mgs. And if it seems like I'm gonna go into a crisis because I can usually tell as you all know, she gave me another prescription of prednisone that aren't 1 mgs, but 5. So I can take a huge boost. Same as if I was in the hospital and they give it IV. But that's after I'm already vomitting and I am dehydrated and so sick and can't take the medicine. I always try even when I vomit to take some prednisone dose. But it's hard to keep down period. Especially vomitting. Then you're stuck IV. Most of the time if I feel like I'm gonna crash, I take a huge dose of prednisone, like twenty mgs or so which she said is good. Even taking thirty is good, but I need to remember to wean back down always. But yeah. Sometimes the crashes hit all of a sudden, and I can't prevent them. Getting a cold can get me sick. Which she said too, when I get sick I need to take more than my maitenance dose. So yeah. And this is the endocronologist at Vanderbuilt, a hospital that people travel all around the world to go to. And then the next day, I saw my dental surgeon. Everything is healing good, stitches are dissolving and coming loose but I am sore here and there in my gums but I'll be good. A couple more weeks and the stitches will be dissolved. Then I have the double root canal. And then as said before, six to eight weeks after the initial surgery which was last week, I will get molded for the dentures. Which are being modeled after my graduation picture when my teeth were okay, and Gackt's pretty smile. And I'll be having my teeth whitened too, not to match the dentures because they can stain them to any color. But the vomitting, everything. My teeth are not as white as they were, and I want them whiter. So yay. And I have pouty Angelina Jolie/Gackt lips anyway so his smile, and my own will mix well. With the err. Nine teeth I have left in my mouth. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me, a huge infection. And the doctors as said before think maybe my mouth had a factor in why I was crashing suddenly and getting sick but tests would be negative or whatever since they don't run all blood tests in ERs. But anyway. Surgery was last Monday. It's been two weeks this upcoming Monday and I already feel better. Which is great siiiiince.

Im moving! xDD
Yes, I'm finally moving out. And away from TN like I always wanted. I have like no friends here in Clarksville/Woodlawn. It's aggravating. Except for like MyeongHi who I barely talk to anymore or even see at all and she's pregnant. And then there's Rei who I was supposed to go out on New Year's to his party, and he started dating that Leah cunt again, ew. He's an ex from years ago. We dated twice, but she's not good enough for him and strings him along. He moved out of his old place to move in to another with her and her friends. Ehn. Anyway. He never called about the party, and if he was expecting me to call him? He still could have called me if he was soooo wanting me there like he claimed. And he hasn't called or texted since. I was sick New Year's eve, so it didn't matter anyway. But that's not the point. And the only other person is Stephanie. I barely get to talk to her. We used to hang out constantly and talk and were inseperable. She was forced to go back to Nashville for a year and when she came back it was like everything was different and I never got to see her even when she had no job. Sometimes it's ridiculous, and the reasons I get blown off as well. I understand she has busy work and school and all but hell. You can call, get online. Though her comp had been messed up. But at least it's fixed now. I used to see her like everyday. And now it's like I see her every four or more months, like I would see people I only get to see at cons. My friends all live in other states. Anyway. I'm moving in with Michi. Leigh. Michielle. All of those names you guys know her by, but she's going by Leigh now which is cool. I'm getting used to it in calling her that. But some might not realize I'm talking about Michi. Heh. Anyway, it's just an awesome plus she lives in VA, and in an area where all the major cons that I went to anyway but had to make long drives with friends and sometimes lone drives..where she lives these things are like an hour maybe more away in different places. And we're gonna get an apartment together, we've been planning completely. Money, where we're gonna move..etc. But I need to get my dentures/partials, and be weaned off my oxycontin before I can move. I have like a four month plan type thing to get everything together and make the move. Hell, I'm not gonna be able to bring all my stuff to the apartment in my car alone. My mother shoots down everything I say and says I only want to move there because of cosplay. COSPLAY AND CON LOCATIONS IS JUST A FUCKING PLUS. I hate it here, I have said for years that I want to move away. Mom wanted me to make sure I could hold down a job but it's near impossible to get one in this town anyway. And the more she talks, the more it pisses me off. Luckily Leigh has furniture for our place. But I need to bring my mattress at least. I hate having the bed, I've had since I broke my leg last year but still. Was gonna bring the frame and everything but yeah. I'd need to rent a truck. No Uhaul. Moms like I'M NOT PAYING BLAH BLAH BLAH. But I know she will in the end. Boxes wise she wants to drive the drive to VA to do the goodbyes thing. I know she doesn't want me to go, or move out in Clarksville. But I want a roommate. I hate this place. I'm isolated and lonely. I went to college and had friends and still. This place is horrible. I'd rather move in with my best friend. And it just owns that she is an amazing cosplayer like me, and our combined skill will churn out ultra amazing work. For us, and others. But we have our plans ready, and I'll be moving over there. So yaaaaayyyy. It's gonna be so great. Get away from here, and be with best friend and yeah. Not gonna divulge all our design and plans! Hehe. But it's just gonna rock so hard.

Katsucon: I still need to buy my plane ticket. I'll be fine mouthwise. And I hope somehow I can get a ticket without a transfer. Before I could but mom wanted me to wait. So now it's gonna be more costly, and I might have a transfer. And uh. I flew last time when I was like three or four. I'm scared of heights, never went through the whole hassle of flight and transfers and don't wanna miss my plane or get lost and UGH. Yeah. Stress.

Cosplay for Katsucon: Watari from Yami no Matsuei.
Shiori from Revolutionary Girl Utena.

Pretty much Leigh is my partner in crime cosplay wise. The only thing I'm not cosplaying anime wise with her will be Vampire Princess Miyu.

Uhh, cosplay wise I've got a lot of stuff lined up. But as you can tell from the layout. I'll be cosplaying Rosiel from Angel Sanctuary. And not just the simple non winged version, his casual clothes. But yeah. I'll be cosplaying many forms of Rosiel, his different casual outfits and main winged outfits. But details on that, are hush hush.

I've been working on what I'll be cosplaying and the cons I'm hitting this year. And it'll be good since I'll be living in VA and be able to easily get to the cons unlike now where I'm stuck driving forever. But hey, flying to Katsu so yay.

But yeah, I'll be posting a complete cosplay list and con attendance that is correct soon. Also, you know how I had those little squares in my old Ruka layout that had pics and names of chars and outfits I cosplayed? And I said it wasn't updated. Well. I'm going to be making some userinfo mini banners of who I will be cosplaying.

And the good thing is. After losing my pictures from the YEARS AGO cosplay.com eat where it gobbled accounts. And my crashed laptop from before and busted computer. Hell I don't even have my PLC Aya and Seek and Lida workups on cosplay.com. I need to open a cosplay lab account too but anyway. I have like nothing virtually posted on cosplay.com. I need to remake my old website that had my graphic works, cosplay..everything. But yeah.

So that's enough talk about cosplay. Just telling about everything going on. Things are going really in a positive direction. Can't wait to be roomies! xDD

Oh and grr. It was storming so bad here, I was without power for over twenty hours. Last house in the state to get power. RIDICULOUS. And it was freezing. And then snow the next damn day. Raining for two days when I was going to Vandy..and then snow. Murr. Weather has been weird. Anyway. Leigh went brb and then..never came back. Hope yur okay! I betcha fell asleep. XDDD Sorry we didn't get to phone chat today. Gods, it's been like, over three days without sleep. I slept only a little bit. And my throat is all aching. BLECH. I neeeed to get my stockings and shoes for my costume, and get Watari together. Since nothing fits. And I need to find 003, he vanished. And then the new wig since fucking Daisy ruined a shitload of my wigs. You know how easily long wigs can tangle, and especially wavy ones like Watari's. Murr. Anyway. I was psyched about Utena cosplay, but I'm reaaaaally psyched about Rosiel. And aaaaaall the different things I'm gonna do with him. The plans on the costumery, casual and organic angel wise, hair wise. Yeah. My hair's grown out, instead of short cut. I can't just dye it and go from boy char to boy char like before. Now I have to get wigs for short haired boys. Lol. Growing hair out and need to keep it Shiori length for Utena cosplay obligations. I still am happy about doing Utena stuff, but like mentioned. Totally psyched about Rosiel, and psyched about other cosplays too. But I'll be talking about all that later. And making the cute userinfo things.

ICON WISE.

Am working on the Utena, BSSM, and CCS set! Then gonna do some other sets. xDDD Stock and more anime and Advent Children. And movies. But yeah. If anyone wants specific iconage need ta let me know!

I had surgery Monday, and I ended up not staying in the hospital. I was very surprised. I was there, though from 6 am till 4 PM. It was a long haul of pre-op and recovery. But I made it. They luckily ended up not having to shape my jaws for the denture placements, and they didn't cut my cheeks. They were worried about that since the prednisone made my skin so thin. I have only nine teeth in my mouth now which even though the recovering is painful? When I'm eating even soft foods, I don't feel that horrible pain when it hit my roots. And the chipped and exposed places. And luckily, it looks like the swelling will be going down by the time the convention rolls around. I need to check ticket stuff, and when I can cancel and all that if I can cancel the tickets period. Since mom didn't want me buying any plane tickets for Katsu. But this swelling should be down by the time V-Day weekend rolls around, and I should be able to go to the convention. Hee, talk about dedication. Yeah but see, it's really different feeling already. Yes, I'm having surgical pain. They had to cut out sixteen or so teeth and put dissolving stitches in, and I also had cists on some places, and gums grown over parts of my teeth they cut and repaired. I have surgery pain, yes. But sometimes it's as if when I eat, and I'm on liquids and mushy soft foods. Trying to swallow angel hair spaghetti right now, but anyway. It's as if the awful infected pain of ow I wanna kill myself with every bite is gone. So the docs were right. And I can talk still, even though it's only the third day. I talked fine on the first. What sucks is I had to have the breathing tubes down my nose and in my trachea, made it bleed but the worst was they had to do those HUGE tubes that hurt like hell that go in your nose and into your stomach, to pump everything out post surgery, like blood that drained down so I wouldn't be sick. I was under anesthesia during this, but man it hurt when it woke up and my nose wouldn't quit bleeding forever. I had to put in gauze here and there to soak and make sure my gums were clotting up and they are. I'm bleeding barely here or there now. No need for gauze to constantly bite on like before. I'll be okay. So, Tiori-chan has survived. Got ice pack things wrapped around my face constantly though, there is swelling. And pain medicine cuz there is pain but it's like I can feel a relief by this third day that the infection is gone. Some of my dissolving stitches have popped up, which is good too meaning stuff has clotted.

And yeah, so everyone who was worried and concerned I am all right and can talk on the phone too, to an extent. And yeah, won't have my dentures by Katsucon which I'm pretty 90 percent positive I can make, but that's fine anyway since of how I smile, and how I ate before I had the surgery anyway. Hee. Yay get to see Leigh. ^^

I also had some sexual relief before the surgery too. Whoo. That felt good, to get that out. All the pent up eroticism and I was anxious and stressed and body full of knots. And afterward..ahhh. Relief. I'm not naming names because it's no one's business but mine but I can still say I felt a lot better. Just wish I hadn't been too tired afterward, and had been able to do more but maybe another time. ::wink:: OMG. CINNAMON COCK CANDY IS GREAT.

Though I can't eat my cherry flavored titty sucker, or my flick a dick sucker since I'm not allowed to suck on anything, or suck anything through straws since it might cause a dry socket in the dentristry work. Which next week I gotta go back for a follow up, see my endocronologist too. Hopefully I can see them in the same day. My surgeon's main OR day is the day as the endo appt, but he told me to swing by the clinic, he'd get paged and see if he could come down.

Love to all. Miss to everyone. People can call me that need to. But cant talk too long. Looooooove to all.

I've had these icons for like 2 years, and I need to post them. I haven't even done graphics work in ages. But, I am resuming work, and awesomeness of my graphix making. And I always love trying new styles, so expect all kinds of new work and genres. But here's some old stuff.

33 sailor moon icons
--must credit, no stealing.
--no hotlinking.
--do not modify in anyway.
--comment and enjoy.

teasers:


( Read more... )

The following was a comment I made on Heather's journal. She made a post, in response to my previous one. Didn't comment here and really no one who wanted to insult me had the guts to say a word commenting here, but anyway. I imagine most won't notice this comment, and some might not anyway. So I'm posting it here. For all to see. To make sure, what I've said has not been ignored.

---
Well you know. When, I look back in posts. References to "the boy", and even more than that. And you know, people have said. Came to me and said it seemed pretty obvious that you were. But you know. I loved you so much, I guess I didn't see it. And as far as if your sister would know or anything like that, and this whole thing about me being the immature one. I'm not. What you did, was raunchy. The timing of the break up, everything. And then to attack me in email and tell me I shouldn't say something in comments or on my journal? You of all should have known I was going to bring up my personal feelings of being hurt. And no, it's not all about me. I keep trying to brush this off. The whole cheating thing, the things you've done and lied about that I've been told. Things that have been shown to me by people. And you jumping into a relationship days after the break up? Kinda screams cheating. And you not saving a cent, despite what you said about money. Still. Got friends who work full time, are in an apartment, have bills and manage to save money aside. You never seemed to want to call me, and I'd call you and no matter how sick or exhausted you are? You could have called and said a simple I love you. If it was just one minute of talking. I'm not trying to turn people against you. You did that yourself, with your actions. Despite the ones who comment and support you here. There are others who differ. And you are trying to act like the innocent one, that you're perfect and it was so hard what you did. Didn't seem all that hard to me, and you jumping into a relationship. Man, that just screams that you were so upset about it all. Like I said, I've been told numerous things, by numerous people. Thought about things, things were pointed out to me that I never noticed because like I said. I loved you too much to notice. You needing to find yourself, you found Nate. And you know, I'm sure your supporters here will attack me. But this is a comment to you. I didn't bring people into this. I'm not trying to draw attention. Or have people feel sorry for me. If they do, they do. But so many different things, that even when I think about. And the whole cheating thing. Like I said, things said to me. What I see, hear. All that. What conclusion am I supposed to draw? You being so cold and cruel. Ignoring me. You went in less than five days from texting me I miss you and love you to a simple dumping email, and talk about pain. If you had the guts, if you were going to do it. You should have called me. I'd been trying to call and call and call to talk to you. I needed you. It's like, it seems I was the one trying to hold the relationship together. And really your breakup excuses were bullshit. I mean you can deny that you cheated all you want. But what appears to be so? It tends to be. It took me days and days to decide what to say when I was getting all this information and thinking about things myself. I wanted to try and remain friends, but then there's your track record. I got so mad, and so angry after making conclusions. The fire fed into ashes you made of my heart. And if you were so suffering with the decision to dump me? You should have done it earlier, not postponed it. The rumors with me and Michi, are annoying. So yeah, I made that post. Called you a skank. Because I was furious, once things just all hit me in the face. Stages of grief are just nonsense. I'm moving on with my life. But there you go. Why I called you a skank, a cheater. Everything. But apparently, I'm the drama queen and I just need attention. Which if I didn't type it, I was going to explode. I had tried after the break up to call you. To discuss things. But never would get an answer, or a call back. Hell, no one here supporting you had the guts to say a word in response. Not even you. Like I said, breaking up you couldn't even email me. Couldn't face me. So I pretty much expected you'd make some post or something here. I have friends male and female and didn't cheat. Or even think about it. You talked about all the things you were going to give up? Hell, all those times I tried to talk to you after I was out of the hospital, I was going to say after I had my surgery I was thinking of saying hell and moving to you. Despite the health risks. I could have gotten even more ill, but didn't care because I needed you. I wash my hands of the drama crap that I'm getting emailed about, and IMed, and told and you know. Making it like I'm the horrible person here. Because that is what you did. Made it seem to everybody that I'm the horrible person. Well I'm not. I got that email and I'd never cried so much in my life, except when my daddy died. You needing to "find yourself", your excuse for not talking. Like I said you found Nate but. You talk about say it to your face. I try to call and talk to you about things and you won't answer or return the calls? Who's the one hiding? I posted what I did, after being boiling mad. Hell I tried being friendly in comment, and you just ignored it. Doesn't seem like you wanted to really remain friends. Just from that alone. And reading the letter I wrote in response to you dumping me. I even apologized. For nothing. I'm the one who said I was the monster. And like I've said, you just sit. Play innocent, like you're the one in ultimate pain and turn everyone against me. I wasn't trying to turn anyone against you in my posting. I didn't care who posted. And as for people assuming things, not just me but others who pointed things out to me, and made realizations and came to conclusions. You wouldn't have told the truth if you had been cheating or not anyway. You know, my mom always said. You had no intentions of coming down here, and I'd fight and fight and fight that, no. That wasn't true. You brought out a part of me I didnt even know existed and then stomped and crushed it. And you know when I get upset. I get upset, but then get MAD. Under an immense amount of stress that you didn't even know about because you ignored me, and then dump me. And that you know it's painful? Obviously not that much since you got into a relationship in such a rush. So hey. I tried to talk to you, to get information post dumping, and you wouldn't even speak. Only thing was telling me what I could and couldn't put in my own damn journal. What made everything sting the most? I had made despite saying I said I was gonna have them made and not do it. I made our wedding veils. And despite being angry, and was rather suicidal about the whole deal. You dont know how long I just sat and wanted to down all of my oxycontin and end it. We were destined, you said. I said I WASH MY HANDS OF THE DRAMA. I'm tired of it, the he said, she said. Tired of being made out to be a bad guy by not just you but others. And as some of these comments in response to your post, it's so obvious I'm the bad guy and horrible. But hey, being furious you can say things you don't mean and do. But. I'll apologize to you, and you alone. You said it took you forever to write that break up note? Took me forever, days and days of things boiling and getting told and analyzing the past. And you just. Jumping into a relationship so fast? That didn't help. We're moving on yeah, but couldn't you see my point of view on that? You love me so much but within a week start dating someone? Honestly, it all just seems that what you really want is a man, and not a woman. Bicurious, is the term I'll use in describing your sexual preference because that's all it seems. I just know some people will miss this, and apparently I'm evil incarnate anyway but I'm posting this comment on my journal. I want to say I love you enough, that I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. But, the whole circumstances of the break up, the cheating rumors, and a whole bunch of other things you don't even realize or know about because you wouldn't even TALK to me. Not just type, which you didn't do either. But anyway, it's hard for me to say that phrase, because of everything I just said above. Let whoever they want hate me, you know me. Or I thought you did. I'm not afraid of getting attacked. I remember that one time I was attacked cosplay wise and you were so upset or something you couldn't stop crying about it. And I was straightforward to them. Well, all of this has been boiling in me, and the fire fueled by discovery and words. And uh think about it. If you apparently know me like you're supposed to, don't you think if I was going to really go crazy with insults they would have been a lot more creative and a hell of a lot more cruel? I'm the insult master, remember? Despite it all, despite my pain. I'm moving on. But you know according to a few of your stupid friends I'm a horrible evil person who should be killed and am a bad immature bitch. Screw them, whatever. Oh and the whole Michi thing? It's being spread that she and I were together before you dumped me, and she's the reason you dumped me and she's getting attacked too, and I'm tired of it. Back to us. Anyway. I apologize for calling you a skank and all that. It's weird, not seeing you as the first person to comment on my lj posts anymore. ::Shrug:: I'm being an adult here. I have a lot on my plate, including getting over this bout of bronchitis and sinus junk, and my surgery that should be this weekend or beginning of next. Anyway, being an adult. Find yourself. Do whatever. But the subject of you and I relationship wise on my journal is dropped, after I make this posted on my LJ as well. So some of the stupid as shit friends who've attacked me here, since not all of them are dumbasses just some, and those who are silent and I know are attacking me outside the journaling see it, if they don't here. Cut me, if you really want to. But like I said, our relationship matters are dropped on my LJ. I have much more to deal with, including pleasant matters. As I wrap myself up in the blanket you left me, I'm pulling out the maturity card that I always had. I was angry, and again I apologize. Cut me if you hate me so much, because if you haven't noticed. I have not cut you. I want to know what's happening in your life, whether it be good or bad. It'll just, be really weird never to see comments from you again, as you always jumped to do. And if you love me still as you say you do, since love is supposed to always be there somehow, even after a break up, even after the back and forth malice, and if we really are destined in some way, whether it be love or friendship, we will manage to remain friends.

Your former beloved, but moved on,
Tiori-chan.
----

There you have it folks. My maturity that has always been there, period.

There was a girl named Heather. And she ended up breaking a beautiful prince's heart. Turns out, she was nothing but a liar from the beginning. Oh noes! And she cheated on this beautiful prince. Now there are rumors that this gorgeous prince is dating a beautiful goddess. They're untrue.

So get a fucking life, you morons who are talking shit about me and Michi, saying we're dating. And also? I want everyone to know, Heather is no innocent little fucking waif. She's screening anything negative. I should show you, I was going to post some things here but I decided not to. I'm tired of this bullshit, and I'm wiping my hands of it. You had no intentions of coming down here, you fucking were cheating on me because you talked about "the boy" a long time ago. But apparently I was just too in love to realize the signs. You not saving money, never calling or anything. You're the biggest liar I've ever known in retrospect, finding out all of these horrible things you've done not only to me, but to others. And you jump right into a relationship. I'm not stupid. Heather is not innocent, she's nothing but a lying, cheating, skank. And I'm sick of the drama, trying to say Michi is involved and I'm not taking it. She's my best friend. We're not dating. And uh. I'm not a lying, and cheating whore. And I'm not screening comments so. Go ahead and attack me if you want in commentary who thinks she's this innocent young thing. You're a horrible person, Heather. You bring pain to everyone, and ugly ass Nate should be warned in advance of your now I know of, track record of lies and scandal. You've cheated and lied, and are lucky you haven't died. Died from a guilty conscience which is the only reason you emailed a breakup letter. You were cheating on me for awhile. But anyway. Attack if you want, ignore me. Anyone. But I'm the innocent one here, I didn't do anything but try and make the relationship work. Her bullshit excuses, her lies. Ugh. DO WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE. I WASH MY HANDS OF YOU DRAMA CAUSING ASSHOLES. I WASH MY HANDS OF SKANKDOM.

Moving on. So, I thought the whole break up was going to rip me in pieces and it has, mostly in post upon realizing the bucket of lies. And that she cheated on me. And things I didn't see before. But you know what? I'm better than you are, you're damn right. I hope you're proud of yourself and your whole little brigade of Tori and Michi haters too. THNX GOODBYE.


---------------------
So, my layout is awesome, isn't it? It's so funny, since Leigh is Utena, and I'm Shiori. It's like we're switching roles. I'm not a dyke, Utena is. Shiori..she can be cruel but she's so girly. So it's gonna be a fun experience. Since really all I've cosplayed for a long time has been men and masculine female characters. So I was thinking really about what to do from now on. Well, I was pretty much DRAGGED into Utena cosplay. And been named THE SHIORI. So apparently, no other Shioris allowed according to my so called girlfriend. Lmao. I was gonna cosplay Utena at one point but dunno now. Since I am TEH SHIORINESS.

So, I'm going to Katsucon this year. Surgery was postponed due to their error and me being sick, so I think sometime this week or next surgery will happen. And I'll be healed for Katsucon. And I don't care. Bring it on if you want to fight me there, because you'll lose that's for damned sure. But anyway. I'm doing movie Shiori all three days. No costume changes, yay! But anyway. I already know cons I'm going to this year.

Katsucon.
AWA.
AnimeUSA.
AMA -- maybe. if i get tugged into it. XDDD
MTAC.
SUGOICON.
... keep thinking I'm forgetting something and probably am but yeah.

I haven't been able to cosplay and travel from being so sick and docs are predicting that after the mouth surgery and then I'll have denture placements, partials. The infection in my mouth will go away. And it might be what's causing a lot of the Addison's Crises, where my blood turns normal. I'm scared to death but I have my REAL friends and REAL support.

Now at all cons where Utena gang will be present, I will be Shiorified. I'm gonna do not only movie Shiori but going to make duelist Shiori. Series Shiori blah blah. You dig.

I can now focus on more Final Fantasy cosplay, like I've wanted to. Though all of those who I cosplay will be male from the FF series I choose. I might do Irvine Kinneas again, I am going to do Rufus ShinRa from FF7 and Advent Children. Yazoo from Advent Children.

And I'll probably do Doctor Muraki from Yami no Matsuei AGAIN. Hell, I might even do a new jrock costume. I dunno. I kinda left the jrocking cosplay scene because of drama. And went to anime. And got into Sailor Moon cosplay again. More pathetic drama. Mind you, my Haruka will never die because well. I am damn good at being her.

But, on this Shiori kick of female characters, I was trying to think of maybe some costumes to make that are female chars who aren't dykes. I'm still gonna be yaoified in cosplay no doubt. But, maybe my FRIENDS can help me out on different anime? Like DiGi Charat, etc. Any anime really to cosplay a girly character. And no FMA. BLEACH. OR NARUTO. BECAUSE THE SERIES SUCK BIGTIME.

But yeah, gimme some costume, anime, character suggestions. Minding the fact that I'm average size, even considered thin. Hourglass figure. Oi oi. I hate CHILD BEARIN' HIPS. Makes all my pants fit different due to how low or high they are or the style. But anyway.

Calling DELL after this post, after I finish my food. I still haven't slept so this is a few days now. I SEE PURPLE ELEPHANTS. Anyway. But! I miss making graphics, and it's like impossible to find Shiori iconage that isn't complete suck. Plus I want to make more icons in the many different genres. Even jrock! But anime first. And gonna post that bunch I've had for like two years. My keyboard is just busted, I can still work on my PSP 8. Which everyone says they're awesome enough and look like they're PHOTOSHOP so. I rock. xD Anyone having any requests for Utena character chars, please lemme know.

Oh and BTW, awesomeness as well. You know how I lost so many cosplay pictures of me, that were on cosplay.com, my original account. And my old computer and old laptop. Even got Roman Hikou Aya costume death since the old comp won't work. All that's wrong with my laptop like I said is I'm missing some keys, and keys are sticky and even if you push on the circle button to activate a key that popped and broke. It just won't work without pounding on it. GOD I HOPE SURGERY IS THIS WEEK I WANNA BE HEALED IN TIME FOR KATSU. Anyway, pictures. My friend MyeongHi when she went to some cons back in the old days and newer ones though she doesn't go to cons anymore, when she used her camera with film or one of those throw away cameras, she has found a huge collection of pictures saved of me. Even as far back as when I did Beruche, Purinsu Dimandou..for example, from Sailor Moon. Got me as jrockers, and other anime and yaoi characters. I'm fucking tired of people telling me that I didn't make this costume or cosplay this because I don't have the pictures. Not my fault. I thought that stuff was lost forever too. Next time I see her, I really am gonna get 'em, and scan them and upload them for all to see, and tell doubters and naysayers to die.

What sucks. I hate living here. I am not allowed to work or do schooling because of doctor and lawyer orders. Though if I start feeling well enough, I AM going to start my training and all. I hate being a trogledyte and being stuck at home. I have MyeongHi who is hard to get on the phone and on a regular basis and plus she's preggers. I've known her since the first grade. Then there's Rei. I was supposed to go to his New Year's Eve party, but I was sick. But you know he didn't even call or anything so that pissed me off. And finally Stephanie who is supposed to be my best friend here. We used to do things all the time. Even when she had a job, would spend the nights and drive around singing wildly, go out and eat and stay up all hours. Watch anime, do all kinds of stuff. And now, she's always out of minutes. Always busy. It really hurt my feelings when Heather dumped me that she promised she'd come over on the twenty-seventh and then suddenly something comes up. Something always seems to come up Stephanie and it hurts my feelings more than I think you understand because I have no one in Clarksville. Pretty much you, and I need you the most. But it's like I'm nothing now. Yeah you're working and school but you find time for your other friends. Why not me? It makes me feel like I'm the one who is the best friend desperately trying to get your attention. I'm tired of being ignored, and it really hurts since you know I'm so lonely down here.

Speaking of, still considering moving to Virginia. Primo con spot. And I'd uh. HAVE FRIENDS THERE I COULD SEE ALL THE TIME AND HANG WITH. Oh and of course my girlfriend, Michi. Since you know, we are so together and all. ::Eyeroll::
So for sure, I am doing different versions of Shioriness. But I haven't decided what else. Jrock, or another anime girly, yaoi chars or what. So gimme some ideas guys! Anime wise.

Anyway, love to all of those who deserve it.

AN ADDISON'S CRISIS AND AN IV!

... that was meant to be a joke, people.

And for the record, this page setup is very inaccurate. I've said it over and over again that the cosplay characters pics are lacking on who I've done. Because there are more, trust me. And then some of the info is wrong, some of the friends need to be redone, and/or removed completely.. and the cosplay communities.. bah. Michi is making me a new profile so yay for my sissy. A cool Shiori layout, instead of the Michiru and Haruka wedding layout. Or whatever layout she has planned. Some of you say I'm not Shiori like. And some do. I love the character, simple as that. And wish I had a Juri, but ah well. And my sissy of course is making me be Utena, because apparently I'll be a hot series Utena, and she's doing movie. Lol. Anyway. Everyone who was going to be apart of said wedding, I'm sorry but if you've kept up with things or given a damn about me you've seen my last post and I am now again single.

Hahaha, JenJen thinks I'm hawt. XD I LOVE YOU RABU RABU.

But seriously now. My holidays eternally suck since my dad died. And they just get worse and worse. November 11th is mom's birthday, then there's Thanksgiving. And she wanted to have a good Christmas with family fun and no fighting.. and yeah, right like she could go five god damn minutes without being her royal cuntness. For those who know her IRL, and have read my testimony of her tyranny. Ugh, I want to get out of here. But anyway, December 3rd is my dead daddy's bday. I was a daddy's girl, remember. Then there's Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. And Valentine's Day. Well, those all suck big time this year. We didn't put up a tree, didn't make cookies, she was supposed to make her super duper no one can beat it in awesome tastery fudge too but hasn't done that yet either. And we've fought a lot. She didn't want me to spend what's left in my savings on her for Xmas stuff. She just wants peace and quiet and happiness and she's hard to buy for too. I got my Wii before Christmas, and she wanted me to wrap it up and the games I bought on Friday for it when it was delivered Saturday and put them under the tree WHICH ISN'T EVEN UP. Some holiday. And to add to that distress..

I'm already stressed out. About everything. Dad not being here. Being lonely and not being able to hang out with the few friends I have here that I can count with one hand. In Clarksville, anyway. I have quite a few best and friends online, in the cosplay world. Close to very few. Known to many. So much drama in that world, the real one, and the LJ community. Filled with childish junior high name calling and piece of shit costumes and characters people think they own and no one else can cosplay..Oh. And just the people who look horrible in their cosplay outfits, who could put effort in and don't. But anyway. So the one awesome thing that happened around Christmastime was that I got my Wii and a shitload of games. Hee.

But, my eczema which was getting in control is going fucking INSANE. I think I might have developed an allergy to the super strong antibiotic. It made me vomit like Addison's symptoms of a crisis last time. It kills all the bacteria in my body, even the good ones you need in your stomach and we all know how FUCKED mine is. I hate just bitching in this LJ, but people use theirs for many things. Art, poetry, community interests. This is bitching, humor, cosplay, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand hystericsl things, and iconage. But yeah, my eczema is flared and is making me miserable.

Oh. So let's see. Christmas Eve. I got dumped.

Oh and Christmas Eve and Day, I had an Addison's Crisis. Went to the hospital. Luckily I got to choose whether to go home and I hope it doesn't flare during the day and I have to return to the hospital because ugh. Hell on a stick. So, I stressed major when I got my break up letter yesterday and spend almost all day crying and bawling. Mom says I shouldn't let anyone know that I wept for them dumping me, and that I shouldnt say sorry for things when there is no reason to. Anyway. It got bad enough to where I was dehydrated, I hurled over 100 times. The piece of pizza I ate, and then meds and bile bile bile. YUMMY. I'm a horrible stick, so I was stuck like twenty times for blood and IV stuff. Luckily they got the vomitting and nausea for the most part under control. I quit puking, still nauseous here and there. But I'm in pain. They gave me another dose of dilloded through IV for the road, and gave me Atarax/Hydroxizine for my eczema itching. I took a lot of Benadryl and it was doing nothing for the itching. No cream seems to help. I had a spray that cooled it from France, especially made for eczema patients but no idea where the fucking housecleaner dipshit put it. And it didn't last long. I got ultra strength gold bond and that stuff eases my skin itchies to a major point. But the Atarax will help bigtime. Oh and I got more Zofran under the tongue so I can try and keep the nausea down, and not vomit anymore. Plus, I was weaning off the Prednisone and Oxycontin.. and all of these factors with the stress of the break up could have brought on the crisis out of nowhere. Plus me taking a lot of benadryl. So, it was up to me whether to try and make it at home, and if I get worse to come back and I'll be admitted. Or be admitted today and I said I'd try going home since I hate hospitalization. Ugh. Anywho.

So mom jumped at me when i said i had no gifts to unwrap and she was all.. you told me not to buy you clothes or anything, you wanted the wii. And finally I got one but wasn't about to again wrap my own presents and put them under a tree that's not up. She coulda gone shopping for stuff, like at Hot Topic or bought me some Harajuku shoes. But she didn't have to, the Wii and the games are great. I'm so happy. STILL ANYONE WHO CAN CONNECT TO THE MII NETWORK/PARADE THINGY AND WANTS TO ADD EACH OTHER TO OUR ADDRESS BOOKS AND SEND MESSAGES IF YOU'RE CONNECTED WITH THE SYSTEM TELL ME AND WE CAN EXCHANGE THE SET OF NUMBERS TO GET HOOKED UP WITH OUR MII'S! I love the sports games, and the first person type games where you gotta get up. I usually don't get movie games, like POTC3? But it is SO MUCH FUN. And first person fighting in others and dueling is great. I love Tamagotchi Party On! Though, it's like a board game, with games inside it. And you're trying to be president of the planet. It's cool. But it goes up to four players, and I know Steph will wanna play it. Even in one or two, or three player mode the computer takes over whoever isn't playing. So, the comp takes over the three other characters when I'm in first player mode. It's fun. She loved Tamagotchi Connection 2 on my NintendoDS so she'll love this 3Dness. She's supposed to come over on the 27th.

Well. I haven't slept in days. And am sickly, mom is too. I need to get some rest, but have some more to say. This is all jumbled but yeah. Arlene and Li, if you want to do the friends thing like I suggested it'd be cool. We could actually talk together instead of just making false assumptions and probably be good friends. ;DD Have fun with your phone, Arlene!

I'll respond to everyone's comments from my previous post later on today. I need to get some sort of sleep, and then I'll be back around tonight to fall out of the real world and possibly RP who knows. I haven't seen Di around. I miss her! And I wanna talk to Michi and JenJen and Bria summore. But yeah. Here's my schedule.

December 27th: Hanging out with Stephanie, but have a doc appt at 1 PM. MUST GO FOR OXYCONTIN. Like I said any number of the things that happened could have brought on that crisis. The stress, the weaning of the meds, the new meds, blah blah blah. Hopefully we can hang out after the doc appt at my house. Ya gotta see the Tamagotchi cuteness and Wii awesomeness. Even though. Um. .. was it you who said I wasn't allowed to play fighting games with you? Even when I go easy, I kick AYASS. Alas, I am a gamer.

December 28th: Go to Vanderbuilt in Nashville for further consultation on my surgery with the orthodontal surgeon, anesthesiologist, and endocronologist.

December 31st, NEW YEAR'S EVE!: ... SURGERY!

Takes four weeks to heal approximately. At the consult I'll find out if they're gonna keep me in the hospital overnight or for a couple of days or whatever and let you all know. I might not be online for a lil while after the surgery takes place if I'm in utter and dire pain and just want to lay in bed. Which is probably what will happen. The doc said he'd send me home with dilodded, but it doesn't give you a buzz like through the IV. Or like morphine or other pain meds. Anyway. I should be okay in four weeks, but I'll most likely be online here and there. Just not talking on the phone.

And yes Heather. Still comment on my LJ. We can still be friends, as it should be and was agreed upon ages ago.

Arlene and Lii, I talked with Arlene and if you wanna friend each other, that'll be cool. Like I said, get past the misunderstandings and know each other.

Love to everyone. Will comment to comments on previous post, and ones on this one later.

Right now I'm falling asleep and must hit the sack. I'm an insomniac, no sleep in days. Especially from eczema and the pain. But anyway. I got home from the hospital around 10:30 maybe more towards ten. But now it's like 3 PM and I must retire into vampire ... err. Daylight!! ::HISSS::

xD

... happy people? I'm broken hearted but trying to look on the bright side, the sunny side of life. there's my smile. bbl.

I haven't been online in a few days at all. And again had constantly tried to get ahold of Heather, my girlfriend..myztic_beauty. My intention of this post was to talk about how awesome my Wii was and all that. And the games and whatnot. But everything changed. I checked my email, saw comments and whatnot. And saw that Heather had sent me a letter.

She dumped me. I know I've said here lately where is she where is she, please call me. That I felt like I was being ignored. And I suppose I was right. She didn't even call, just emailed. I emailed her back. Some people post their whole lives and artwork here, even down to personal stuff so I'll talk about it. According to her, our interests aren't the same anymore. And she loves her job, her friends, and Montana and her family. We were engaged. I wanted to be apart of the family. I had even told my mother that maybe after the surgery and I get my dentures I'll move there. But that's over. I knew something was wrong. She was stepping away from me. I wanted to settle down with her. I still have my interests. I want to get school training for ultrasound stuff. I want to get better and the plan was for her to move here with me and us get an apartment. I had suggested Virginia the other day, and she started thinking about it and it triggered the "break up email" I got. It's more like, she wouldn't even move here either. And all that. I wrote her a letter in return. Saying I knew something was wrong. That she was stepping away from me. I'd told Michi this, felt like I was being ignored and was one of the things I wanted to talk to her about when she called me. But she never did. But I sent her a long email, and I wasn't mean or anything. Disappointed. I was getting online to talk about my Wii, and happiness. Instead I get dumped. We are going to remain friends however. She wants to settle down. I'm taking steps towards that, surgery and the meds and whatnot. And when I'm well enough to go to the junior college and whatnot instead of APSU for training like I said. It made me even jealous...it seemed all she wanted to talk about on her LJ was her job and how great her friends were. Not a word about me. Not a word on our anniversary. I knew something was wrong.

The only time I've cried this much in my lifetime, was when my daddy died. She broke the wall around my heart and got past the asshole of me and saw me for me. I gave my heart to her. And would always ask how anyone could love me, and she'd always reassure me somehow. That we were fate. She hangs out and works. I am stuck at home, or hospital. My few friends in town I barely get to see. And it's very hard meeting new people where I'm from. My best friends are some here, but the most are online.

Remember the Davy Jones comparison the other day? I cut out my heart and gave it to her. I want to stab myself with a knife until I'm dead, but with no heart I'm still alive. I felt her pulling away from me. Everyone does, no matter what the situation it seems throughout my life. Maybe she found someone there.. I don't know. I thought we were perfect for each other. My eyes are so blurry I can't see the screen. And I don't care about airing out my feelings because I have to, I can't keep it bottled. I'll express myself. We're remaining friends but that's it. Michi is making me a new layout. .. she was making a wedding one for us but that's nothing now since Heather dumped me. There's a lot of things I wrote back to her, none mean. I cant be mean to her, that's how much I love her. Just told her my feelings, my side. She says long distance relationships are hard, and we both know it because we've had ones before. But you can make it work, if you really love so much.. you could wait a thousand years for that person. I'm not gonna write it all out but you get the idea of it. She says we've grown apart, interests changed. Hers anyway. Last thing I said in the letter to her though, is honestly true.

.. How could anyone love a monster like me?

So. I guess I'm single again. Even lonelier than before. I hate being stuck here, surgery this week. But I'm trying to get better after all. Stressed more than ever now. I'm not engaged anymore. Just stuck where I barely ever see my best friends here or get to talk to them, much less hang out. And it's hard to meet people here. Friends or otherwise. No work, no school. No socialization then.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. Hurts too much. On to Wii.


Wii

So, it came on Saturday, and I had gotten games for it on Friday. So I am so happy it's here and it's completely awesome. These are the games I have. And I am going to buy some games from the Wii Shopping Channel. NES, SNES, AND N64 games. But this is what I have. Oh, and I bought the Final Fantasy 12, Feverent Wings or whatever it's called continuation game on the NintendoDS.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
SoulCalibur Legends
Super Mario Galaxy
The Legend of Spryo: The Eternal Night
Resident evil 4 wii edition
Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
Prince of Persia Rival Swords
Tamagotchi: Party On!
Rayman and the Raving Rabbids2
Pirates of the Carribean, At World's End

And then there's the Wii Sports that comes with the system. Oh, and I bought an extra remote, extra nunchuck, and the classic controller.

BTW! Anyone who wants to hook up with the Mii stuff lemme know in the comments and we can exchange codes for our address books. To see our Mii's and to send messages back and forth. If you want.

So, I asked some people to keep a look out for Wii's for me and no luck. The only ones you can buy are online. And are either on ebay at like thousands and thousands of dollars. Or sold out on every single website. Except like two. And they're five hundred bucks instead of three hundred. But mom and I got a website that sold two Wii bundles. The more expensive one had games I didnt want. The 585 bucks one is just the basic system you'd get if you bought the Wii anywhere. If you ordered by tonight you can get it by Christmas. They offered overnight but mom didn't pay for that. She paid for two day, but what sucks is it's business day, and I won't get it till Monday. But hey. Christmas Eve! Mom wanted to have a great Christmas this year. Still no tree up since I hurt my leg/foot. And she "supposedly" hurt her back but she walks normal when she thinks I'm not watching. She's just lazy. Promised we'd do some stuff and we haven't. And she just screams and yells constantly. Hell all I wanted for Christmas was a Wii w/ games, or Heather here. I got at least one of the two. She was screaming when she ordered the Wii offline. My ex was like, you just paid two hundred extra bucks, you're just impatient. Uh no. Ever since it came out and I was denied one until Christmas of that year, I had looked. And after Christmas I looked places, I stood in lines in the cold for hours, stood in heat for hours, in stores for hours. And either no shipment came in, or they had like four and too bad for everyone else. So I've looked for over a year. So hell an extra bit of cash. Whatever. The shipping killed us though. Since it brought it to six hundred somethin. But I'mma go to the PX on base for Wii games tomorrow probably. I bet mom makes me wrap them. Ha. Michi said I couldn't buy any Wii games till she got me something but then I was like HELLA NO. I WANNA PLAY MY SYSTEM WHEN IT GETS HERE AND NOT HAVE TO WAIT XD; I have a lot of GameCube games too for the system, and am gonna download some Nes, SNES, and maybe 64 off the system when I get it.

So, Heather has been working her butt off. But what sucks is I don't even get calls after work. I know she's exhausted but it's been like two months since we talked due to sickness and other things. And on Friday's she seems to go get drunk. And she's been sick but you might go drink on Friday? ;.; Why cant you give me some kind of call after work or something? And this Saturday she's going to spend Christmas with her family and all. I'm just with my mom and she's insane. Got no cash to get her stuff for Christmas. She wants me to save my savings and all. Since I spent a lot last year on her. And she's hard to buy for anyway. She wanted another new laptop all this past year but didn't get one. And now is blaming me because I have to have surgery and because she was determined to get me a Wii, tired of me crying over it. I did weep a few times in line stands and waiting. Ugh. I'm not impatient. Over a year of looking constantly is not impatient. But anyway. I want Heather to call me so bad. Ya need to. Maybe Friday? Why go drinking if you're not feeling good? Kinda worrying about you drinking so much as of late. But yeah, call me after work? Call me on Friday? Because once she's with her family she can't get ahold of me probably. I've called and called and called. And am glad you're all right. I was so worried. The thing is though.. I want us to talk on the phone before my surgery. I finally got the date.

SURGERY INFO

I go in on te 28th or 29th of this month to talk to the surgeon again and the anesthesiologist. Normally it's a send home that day procedure. They're cutting what's left of my teeth and bad roots out and leaving the nine strong ones. I hope I don't get a dry socket which has to be treated everyday and is painful but anyway. I was told oral surgery is terribly painful. My roommate in Ft. Campbell had a plate taken out of her jaw. It hurt her but by the second day she was okay, no swelling. Well, I'm getting all but nine teeth cut out. And because of the Addison's Disease, I might have a crisis or go into shock. So I dunno my hospital stay yet. Might be released. Might be overnight or longer. I'll find out.

I was supposed to have the surgery in January but at first they said I was having it done Christmas Eve like two days ago. Now. I'm having surgery now on December 31st. New Year's Eve. OH THAT'S MUCH BETTER. He said before at my old appt I'd probably get dilloded or morphine to take home because of the intense pain. And I need to make an appointment with my reg dog about returning to our oxycontin regiment. Because the ft. campbell one failed. And I hurt. And I'm taking less with his pills since I'm running out. I'll have to have ice pack things on my face like constantly. I bet I'm not checked out that day. Overnight at the very least. So, another reason Heather that I wanna talk to you. It takes four or more weeks to heal. And I wont be able to talk, it'll hurt so bad. Six to eight weeks and they can get the denture molds. And I'll have the new partials and whatnot soon after that. And have my teeth back. I'LL BE ABLE TO EAT WITHOUT BEING IN PAIN. Vanderbuilt was stringing us along about surgery time and whatnot till that dentist called telling them how painful and how many roots were exposed, blah blah. I just. Wanna talk to Heather for awhile before I have surgery. I've had surgery before, but this is going to be the most painful yet.


COSPLAY

So I was asked to be in an Utena groupy type thing, and just for fun too with friends. And I'm gonna be series Utena, and probably Shiori. Now some people think I dont fit the personality for Shiori, some do. I think I do. I can be a total asshole and everything. When I talked about Juri and Shiori, and wanting Heather to do Juri. Yes, Shiori is cruel to her. The pair is not reflecting our relationship. It's just something to do for fun. Hell, I think it's ridiculous for boyfriends and girlfriends to only want to cosplay the compliment character or the "ideal" pairing that describes their relationships. Hell if she was someone other than Juri, cool. But it'd be awesome if Heather did Juri so there would be a Juri and Shiori in the group. It no how reflects us. Now Michi and Ruka does. But not Juri and Shiori. MOST I've talked to think I'd make a good Shiori and a hot Utena. So. xD All that matters is what I wanna cosplay. And hell, if Heather doesn't wanna do Juri I'm not gonna go off the deep end. I just think it'd be cool. I like her conflict, Shiori's. She's interesting.

Well, I told my mom if we wanted to get a Wii, since we found out it was advertized in the paper and get this. As Kmart put it as gigantic Wii blow out sale starting at 6 am. I said we should be there about three or so. No, she didn't want to leave till five. We get there. I talk to a guy who had been there since four. And there was less than twenty of us. But he told me the people kept coming out and saying they had seven Wii's. then twenty. then fourteen. etc. they kept coming out and telling different things. So finally the woman comes out not too long after I arrive. And says there's only seven Wii's. Now. Would you call that a gigantic Wii blow out sale? SEVEN? I cried so hard. My mother, since I cant drive since my foot and ankle are fucked up. She was bitching her back hurt and she wasn't going to go alone. So she made me go, hurting like hell and sick. And you guys know how she gets into "sick contests" with me. On who hurts worse. Hmm. I'm the one taking narcotics I think I win. Well, I'm being weaned off them and the hospital dude's plan of weaning off the oxy to nothing? Horrible. I felt pain and misery the whole time. Now I'm on no dose and in a terrible amount of pain. But I still had a bottle of pills from Dr. Aquino, who didn't really approve of the hospital weaning plan but asked if I'd wanna try it. Yes of course, I hate being on these pills. Oxycontin and all. But I still need it apparently. So I need to make an appointment with him and tell him I need to go back to his weaning and back to the forty mg a day. I've come a long way though. In his weaning. I was taking eighty mg a day. But anyway back to bitching about the Wii's. The woman came and said seven. And there was this family, one of which who had been in the car. And they said they'd been there since 2:30. They got all the fliers. One family bought seven Wii's. And I know at like Best Buy since I have friends who work there and other places it's one per family. Person. So. I cried so hard. And we went home and whatnot.

I still haven't gotten ahold of Heather. I'm so worried. Michi says that maybe it's just her being exhausted from work and being ill and I'm thinking yeah, that sounds like a reasonable explination and her asthma and all. Now I know how she felt when I couldn't get to her and tell her about me being in the hospital and so sick. I'm just sooooo worried. I love you honey.

Oh and Michi now instead of the Michi Ruka wedding layout which I wanted! Grr. She wants to make me and Heather Juri and Shiori layouts. Ya know, from Utena! Heather loves Utena so I know she'd wanna cosplay it. It's been forever and a day since I've watched Utena. And I never cosplayed it. I see myself more as Shiori. We had a discussion. Juri more has her heart on her sleeve, where Shiori keeps hers locked tight. But they're both dominant sorta same characters, yanno? But yeah. I need, and we need to talk to Heather and see if she wants ta do it. Which I bet she'll jump for joy at me doing Utena stuff.

I was Sailor Cosmos in celest_soldiers. Well, my costume was supposed to be made like the year before Otakon and it never got done. The part that was supposed to be done anyway by someone else. I did my part, it was just the fuku. But I'm not apart of that group anymore but I still wanna do cosmos. I've made a gagillion sailor uniform's for sailor moon cosplayers. Every senshi at that. Commissioned or made some for my own use. Hell. I was Sailor Luna one year from PGSM. LOL. Anyway. I even made for Cosmos from her beautiful manga picture, Chibi Chibi. A stuffed little UFO chibi chibi that has velcro on the hands to cling to my leg. No one cosplays Cosmos. I'd be beautiful. I can make fukus with my eyes fucking closed but my friend was gonna do it because of lack of sewing equipment at the time. And now I just have my mini machine as I've said before. Takes longer to do things. Cosmos's fuku is more complicated, but I could make it. I've got all the accessories, the staff..everything else. The crystal gem, I even bought a long white wig and styled the meatball hearts and put the charms I made in them. Sailor Cosmos is way more beautiful than Sailor Moon, in any of her forms hands down. She's elegant and powerful. So I still plan on doing her. And Uranus is always in my heart. But like I said I cosplay other things too besides just sailor moon. Video games, other anime, jrock. I left the jrock cosplay scene from drama. And the sailor moon cosplay scene now has so much ridiculous junior high drama that it's pathetic, and the people involved in the huge divide.. it's just sad really what's happened. People who you thought were cool turned on different people. And persons you knew were horrible people were finally revealed to some when some knew all along.

Anyway, Utena cosplay is diff and sounds fun. Not like she'd give me a choice. Michi or Heather. XD I love them both.

MICHI LOOK FOR A WII FOR ME I LOVE YOU

Oh and I'd like to welcome fiaera to my LJ. I'm sure we'll become great friends. Remember what I said. Hit me up anytime on AIM since we seem to have lots in common and I bet tons more!

I'm sad and depressed right now. I cried a lot. Had an allergic reaction. But yeah. I'm gonna eat and rest after I look up some stuff online. Hope Heather gets to me today. I need my darling. And I'm sorry to my sissy and JenJen and Bria and others when I said I'd be on later last night? I totally passed out after eating! Gomen ne!

I hope you're okay JenJen too. With the headache and the dizziness and weakness. I worry.

Unlike half of the cosplayer, video game world. I care about my friends. I used to have so many cosplay friends, but like I said in another post. I feel like the odd man out a lot of times in former groups and whatnot. And I've lost touch with people. Or they just don't want to talk to me. Whatever they choose. It's hard to get ahold and hook up with people for cons when my selection is getting more limited but as I said I want it to grow and my friends to grow!! I'm the type that has a few close friends and lotsa random people I know and acquaintances. I never am two faced. I'm an honest in your face type person and am not ashamed of it. Some people, even some of my best friends show one act to some and a different one to me. Flaky friends, and then a real friend. These people have lots of friends but they're all so fake it seems. And I'm just left sitting and waiting for them to come around. Sounds horrible doesn't it? But people are just ignorant sometimes when it comes to judging people. And some put on airs to get more friends. To want to be popular. I don't care if I'm popular or not. I just want more friends. And this city, I'm so isolated from sickness and whatnot. It's hard to see the people I know here. Most of my good friends, my best friends most of them aren't even here.

Christ I bitch. XD I love you guys.

And due to Virginia being a great cosplay locale to hit up the big cons I go to.. since being in Woodlawn/Clarksville, TN sucks since everything is a long drive pretty much to any con except a few.. but I still make the twelve hour plus drives to go to Otakon and others! And to see people when I'm feeling up to it. And. I'd be there with Heather and my sissy Michi! One big happy family. xD I have so much to talk to Heather about. I miss you, and hope you're okay! I hate leaving messages on answering machines or voice mail but I left a gagillion at Heather's place. Since she has no cell. I hope I'm not annoying her. Michi says she's probably worn out from work and everything else. I just hope she's all right. You guys know how much I love her.

Man, I need my paid account.

Anyway, first things first. Talked to Michi earlier. You know I've been wanting a Wii probably more than anyone else on this damned planet. And last year when they came out months before Christmas I informed my mother she needed to buy one then, because she'd never find one near November blah blah. And guess what? I was right. I got no Wii. And ever since then I've been hunting for one. It's like nearly impossible. You have to be in the right place at the right time. And my best hopes are Wal-Marts here, but they dunno when their deliveries will get there, and if they'll even have Wii's. And it's near Christmas again. I've never stopped looking all this time. And then there was that Best Buy sale like last week or week before and people were lined up for hours and hell I'm sick no way. And mom wasn't going to. Anyway. Ebay, you pay like triple for one. And I need to check Walmart.com to see their ship to store stuff. Maybe I can get one there. But my sissy Michi said that her Wal-Mart has them all the time stocked full. Maybe not at the moment because of Christmas time. But she would look and if she found one would buy it for me. And I said I'd send her the money for it. So much love to my Michi. She rocks hard. And I can't wait to get a new layout and to tell Heather about it since she wants to make one for both of us that matches. Hee.

Umm, yesterday was my anniversary. And I haven't heard from Heather in days. And I we haven't spoken on the phone for over a month and it's killing me inside. I mean I have illness problems and all but nothing's worse than feeling broken hearted. I know I missed calling on anniversaries but that was due to sickness. And not hearing or seeing anything on even her LJ in days has me so god damn worried that she's sick or hurt. I know she works hard and gets exhausted but I thought her hours were cut on weekends and yeah. Still no word. I just hope you're okay, my beautiful goddess. I know your asthma was really bad. I miss you so much. And heh. You still need to send me the box o' stuff you said you have!

As most of you know, the plan for Heather and I is this. I can't work or go to school at the moment due to legal and doctor orders. Heather's working, and she's supposed to be putting some money aside. But she's had to pay bills and whatnot so I don't think she has barely anything saved up. I have some in savings, and I'm hoping to work when I can, school when I can. Im not going back to APSU. I'm going to a community/junior college and I was gonna get trained for x-ray technician but a nurse told me sonography/ultrasound pays more so there we go. And it's less than two years training with flexibile hours which is good considering my sickness. But yeah, I wanna get a career in that and I can always write on my own. Just APSU blows, I'd still need to go and have my records expunged due to illness and not sure if that would work anyway. The school sucks everyone who goes there hates it and everyone I know except maybe one who has gone there has dropped out completely. I still want college but that place is just no. And I don't want to deal and face professors I've had issues with which is understandable. So within two years hopefully Heather will be saved up to move here and get a job. Only thing that sucks about where I live besides the city and state itself is that I'm so far away from the major cons I go to. And I have friends in Virginia. INCLUDING MY SISSY MICHI BY MARRIAGE XD And she suggested Heather and I move there when we pull our money and said she could help too money wise which is very cool. Only thing I worry about is my health stuff because I'm not sure if my insurance would cover there. Then I'd be fucked. But hopefully I'll be getting better. So wanna talk to Heather about it. Sounds like a cool plan.

After my operation I should start feeling better, especially when I get my new dentures and all. And can eat normally again. It'd be cool living in VA. Cons are closer, we'd be close to friends. It'd be awesomeness. Right now though in the con area I'm not going to any really cept maybe my home con because of the surgery and the hospital hell recently. I might change my mind later on but right now I'm kinda pffth. I love con going n' all but still. And ha, I've lost so much weight even my old costumes dun fit right. And some of that is partially because either they're too big or not proportioned properly since some of the smaller ones since I need those since I'm thinner were done when I was younger. And now I'm an even out, developed woman. Not a highschooler or middle schooler so yeah. I still never got my machine from my aunt. And I just have a mini-machine now.

I've lost a lot of cosplay friends it seems. And you know what sucks? I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. When it comes to being in groups or whatever. I feel unwanted in so many ways sometimes when I'm in big cosplay groups or something or other. And some people are so neurotic that if I don't like what they do, we can't be friends anymore? How stupid. Everyone's entitled to like what they like. Like in jrock, just because I don't obssess over a certain band doesn't mean I dont know a hell of a lot more than some people and can make costumes better than a lot. What I hate, is not having photos because of cosplay.com and comp probs. But hell Heather and others have seen my storage of costumes and wigs and ya know I don't need people not trusting me about things, yanno? Either believe me or don't. I've cosplayed tons and tons of chars over the years, and yes the number seems large but you have to think of the costume changes, how many I've been to, etc.

What truly disappoints me is the divide in the sailor moon cosplaying world. It seems so many long time friends have forgotten one another. And abandoned each other or attacked one another and it's horrible some of the things that have happened. I feel like the odd man out again in the Sailor Moon cosplaying world when I once was a big shot in Jewels. I left the cosplay world of BSSM for awhile, come back. Some know me, some don't. And because of this massive fight and rumors and everything going to hell and back. I've noticed so many people don't speak any longer, hate each other. And also have noticed a lot of people don't even talk to me. Which sucks. :/ Because I miss a lot of them. I hate feeling lonely in the cosplay world.

And I don't just cosplay Uranus. I cosplay other chars from Sailor Moon and tons of chars from other anime and video games and jrock. It's difficult though to get involved with groups now too. For anyone really because of the elitism attitude so many have. People who think they're the walking, talking characters themselves. I mean hell, people joke I'm Haruka. It's a joke. But then there are morons who think they're the real sailor moon and no one else can cosplay them. Get over yourself. If I thought I was the only Haruka? Why would I get so psyched when I see GOOD Uranus/Ruka cosplayers? Or be happy when my friends wanna try something new?

What bugs me, dunno if I mentioned this above since I got kicked offline and LJ saved some of this draft so hey. If I repeated myself sorry. But anyway. Is I've had friends in the cosplay world and like I said it's hard to get into cosplay groups nowadays because of a lot of the elitism attitude. And it's difficult to trust people. And I hate as I said too, being the odd man out as it is. You know, I tell a friend or friends I'm going toa con. Save me a spot in the room. And then suddenly there isn't room when the time comes or they forgot I was going. You know I'm not stupid. If you don't want me around, then say it. But I've never been anything but nice to people in the cosplay world. I like having lots of friends with the similar interests. And I don't just cosplay sailor moon. Hell. Prince of Tennis, Weiss Kreuz, Hunter x Hunter, Yami no Matsuei..to name a few. And then there's video games.

It's very difficult to keep groups together and going. Like the Clarksville Anime Group. I was secretary of. And hell, we went to MTAC together, cosplayed. It was fun. Were supposed to hit AWA since two of our friends were getting married and then a week at the con hotel was their honeymoon. Well it was like after MTAC.. I never got notification of meetings, people stopped talking. A lot of this done over myspace. I didn't even have a lot of phone numbers, neither did they. So I guess it went to hell. Some of them were friends, but I was friends with one girl and it's like that dropped off the face of the planet. And what sucks is the few friends I have here and nearby sometimes can't hit cons because of money or school or work which is cool but I hate driving to cons solo. I like meeting people halfway, that's not bad. But driving solo sucks. Especially going to Otakon. And I'm never going to forget missing MUCC. Hell, you're the biggest fan in the world Tori. Nothing was gonna stop you. And I got so sick, and prevented one of my friends from going since he was with me. But he cared more about me than a concert. But we haven't talked as much. Have you ever noticed that? You get close to people at cons and then tend to lose contact half the time?

I'm sick of being the odd duck. Being unappreciated. Being lonely. I'd like to meet new people, expand my horizons. I'm isolated enough at home and in this hell town. But meeting new cosplay people, keeping friends close. I hate losing touch with people. Or feeling like I'm some sort of burden or patheticness. As I said before, just because I don't have my stacks and stacks of pics because of comp failure and website stuff doesnt mean I haven't done the many things listed on my LJ. The pictures. I mean you gotta think of the days, the many costume changes, etc. And how many cons I went to.

Oh and as far as the Wii stuff is concerned. Hell, like I said if my mother had bought the system when I said when it came out. I wouldn't be in this mess. I never stopped hunting or looking either. Got screwed over a few times. But yeah, told ya about my sissy Michi going to keep an eye out. Hopefully if she's up to it, she might swing by her walmart and look for one tonight. Otherwise. I just found out Kmart is selling a bunch at 6 am tomorrow. One of the ones in my town. I dunno if it's been advertized in the newspaper or anything since we don't get the paper anymore but hell. I told Michi I'd get in my wheelchair for empathy/sympathy. Hell. My ankle and foot is all busted up anyway and wheel the bastards down with justice and a world shaking attack to get one. And Kmart blows period so I'd go back into town later or go have breakfast or something and go to walmart or somewhere else to buy video gameage and accessories. Mom asks what I want for Christmas. A Wii. And Heather. She doesn't want to pay for a plane ticket but wants to buy a Wii which is more expensive? I know it's just because Heather is my girlfriend and I love her and she can't stand the fact I'm with a woman. My dad accepted me before he died. My mother hasn't.

And she pisses me off to no end. She wanted to go Christmas shopping today. It's a freekin hurricane outside of rain and hell. Why I got kicked the first time. And I don't really want anything but Heather and the system. And you know. I want a PS3 and XBOX360 but as soon as we spend money on them a Wii will pop up and I won't be able to get it because mom will pull the we don't have money. She wanted to go Christmas shopping today. Wanted me to make a list of what I wanted. Let me tell you all what I've had to do for years for Christmas, kay? No tree, no nothing. This year I complained enough to get a tree. A crappy one. And then I told her for the millionth time my idea of a perfect tree, has to be fake because I'm allergic to real ones and the first real one we got when I was young gave me pink eye in both eyes but yeah. She went out and bought a new tree. But she still didn't listen to what I said was the coolest tree in my head. I applaud her efforts but still. You know it's like she tries to buy my love? And thinks that because she gets things for me or is taking care of me, since I'm trapped here. That I OWE her respect. It has to be earned. I try to be nice to her but she's so psychotically bipolar she goes nuts one minute, nice the next. And Heather and Steph and others can testify to her insanity. Bria too. I know I can be selfish sometimes but Jesus. "Let's go Christmas shopping!" " I dont want anything besides what I said and I can't get either so whoopee. " I wanted FF12 but I had planned to buy that myself awhile ago and am going to. But anyway. Back to what I was saying. My Christmases for years have been thus:

I've had to go out and buy my own gifts. Wrap them myself. And put them under a fake plant that's dying in our house. It's fake. And wilting. And act surprised when I open gifts I've wrapped myself. And then she tends to bring out more gifts and somehow her idea and every parent's idea of a great gift is clothing. And she tries every year to dress me in shit I hate. Preppy shit she knows I wouldn't want. I'm street crew. I like Japanese stuff. You know even if I made a wishlist of Japanese stuff and where to get it online, she wouldn't do it because in her words. " I hate them's Japs. "

And what kills me is I'm still all coldish, sick. With a busted foot. And she asks if I want to walk around shopping all day in the rain. And THEN. Asks if I want to go out to eat after less than an hour ago I asked about eating she said no, and so I made myself food. Wtf. And she gets mad at me.

Oh, and I want to go to my orthopedist for my hurt right foot/leg. They said to come back there if I hurt it and whatnot and I dunno the name of the place. There are a hundred in town and I asked her for the name because she knows it and I can get ahold of them via 411. Well she won't tell me, and wants me to go to Ft. Campbell. Hell. Even when I have Addison's Crises I have to wait but I've been out there a million times for sprains and possible breaks and had to wait eight hours to even see anyone from their triage. I'd rather go to the damned doctor who took care of my broken leg. I might have chipped a bone or something when Ifell because it's still purple. And then, she gets in my face. Blows up at me and throws this line out like she ALWAYS DOES.

" You must like being sick and helpless. You probably never even went to light therapy. You never want to do anything to help yourself.." Blah blah, you get the point. Gee. Let me look at the bottles upon bottles of medicines I have to take everyday just to get through it. Let me look at the surgical scars. Let me look at every other hell I've had to go through so far. OH YEAH I SURE LOVE BEING SICK. I SURE LOVE BARELY BEING ABLE TO EAT. And another thing about going out to eat. She knows everytime I eat out now, I get violently sick to my stomach and start puking. Who wants to get who sick?

Murr. I know I'm bitching but sometimes ya gotta get stuff off your chest about things. Anyone else feel or notice the isolation of the cosplay world at times? I know some of you do. And of course my dad thought my interests were neat but my mother thinks I'm a freak and a loser. I'd move up to be with Heather in a second but lack of funds.. and I'm going to surgery and all that. I can't. My docs are here. Which is another reason I think about Michi's idea to move to Virginia because not sure if insurance will even cover me there. If it covered me out of state hell I'd go to Heather after I get my dentures and the surgery and all that done and get the hell out of here. Everyone's always said I'd probably get a thousand times better if I got away from my nutso whacko mother. And that's true. Say I if you agree. After all the things I've written about her nutsiness. There's no way you can disagree. Ugh, I'm just frustrated at life at the moment. And my body hurts. The whole weaning off prednisone. And the oxycontin at the same time? Not a good idea by the Ft. Campbell doctor. My regular doc said if my pain came back to go return to Aquino's, my reg doc..his weaning and go back to 40 mgs. I felt a definate change on twenty, then ten. And now nothing? My pain is severe. Ugh. I hate being on narcotics but the weaning should be done more slowly and Dr. Aquino agreed, but said I should give it a shot anyway. And I was totally willing cuz I wanna get off them. Bah. All I talk about is family life and medical probs. My journal is depressing. Lol. But you've stuck in there with me. I need to get the tech support number for Dell. I'mma do it tonight or tomorrow definately. I can't stand sitting and using my mom's computer and I wanna post those damn icons. And start making them again. My creativity needs an outlet besides RP. And I only RP via IM one on one. I can't stand group RPs on AOL because nothing gets done, or on forums. Or on LJ because they kinda suck. Personal experience. Anyway.

Love to all. Happy Holidays.

And ya know another sucky mom bit. It's kind of mean to say, MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU'RE GETTING PAINFUL EXCRUTIATING SURGERY!! Her own words mind you. ;.; Hell she told me when I was three. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE TO LOVE YOU, DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE YOU TOO YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Some great mom, eh? And she wants me to go to a psychologist. Hell, she's the bipolar nutcase. Severe acute depression and other probs I have or not, she needs some damn help.

So, I was supposed to have a root canal on Wednesday finally. After cancelling four times due to either severe sickness or hospitalization. And I thought my gums were infected. I brush everyday, and use two special rinses but it's hard to brush the pieces of teeth that are there, and just gums. Well one part gets real swollen, so much so it pushes my cheek out. And when you touch it, it oozes. I figured I needed antibiotics at least. I have a phobia about dentists. And the night before. I twisted my damned ankle. Murr. Don't I have like the worst luck ever? Anyway, I went in. The dentist. One of two a husband and wife team who I am semi comfortable with to a point checked me out. My throat was swollen, had a fever. Was stuffed up and all. And I still have the MRSA deal going on in my mouth. He checked out my gums, said that one real bad swollen part was a tiny piece of root that was left and had absessed, but was draining. That antibiotics weren't life or death but I probably needed them. And he said he knew I was brushing and all. Just because of the prednisone fucking up most all my teeth but maybe nine. I have some broken teeth and some not at all. But he said no matter how much I brush the gums are gonna be swollen to a point until I have surgery. And once that heals up I'm going to feel so much better. And I imagine I will feel better. Supposedly now it's sometime in January. Vanderbuilt keeps hanging us by a thread so the dentist is gonna call and get us info. But get this. The dentists don't even want to do the double root canal till after the god damn surgery and I'm healed up. When they take molds for the dentures. ISN'T THAT INSANE. UGH.

So. I really miss Heather. Especially today. Why? It's our anniversary! <3 <3 Phone tag and LJ tag suck. And I want to talk to her so badly today it's breaking my heart not being able to hear her voice. I swore she said her cut hours she didn't work Friday, Saturday, Sunday but no answer. Been no answer when I called late after work. Guessing she'd been sleeping. We miss each other everytime it seems. >>; I love her sooooo much and after both of us being sick and her worrying and oh my goodness. I just want to hear that beautiful voice and pretty little giggles. Your Jingles loves you. ::bell jingle::

I talked to my sissy, Michi today via phone. First time in awhile over phone, talked for a few hours. Oh oh! And she rocks so hard. She wants to make me and Heather new LJ layouts. Matching new ones since apparently she found this awesome pic of weddingness of Michi Ruka and yeah. Since Heather and I are engaged. Hee.. and we talked about a lot of other things. Major bullshit, a lot of which pisses me off to no end. Hehe. We agreed I'm an asshole. But sissy says I'm one when people piss me off. XD; I need anger management I know. Har har. I love you sissy! Mwah. I'll always be by your side.

I miss my paid account with over 100 userpics. Someone pity me and buy me a new one. ;(

So the hair poll seemed kinda inconsistent. I didnt really get a definite decision. Of course it's ultimately mine but ::shrugs:: My hair's a bit damaged. I need to take pics wish I could find my CAMERA!!! I'm not used to it being so grown out. It's been so long since. But I think my mom is right that I'd feel better if I went to a salon, got at least the dead ends trimmed and get it professionally shampooed and styled and whatnot. But need to decide what to do. I might just shorten and go Ruka again. I have my thinner, Ruka face back so. Hey. It'll probably be hot. But I hope I'm hot already? xD

Love love to all.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY!

So I'm sorry everyone for not commenting on journals. I mean I havent even been around. And once I got out of the hospital, you're still sick. Just sick enough to go home. I've been having a very hard time and I still dun feel too great. Been having IBS and other problems I won't go into detail to because it's gross and only a few people want the deep down and dirty details. Like my baby.

Who I miss so much. Heather is my world. She's been sick. And trying to get ahold of me. But I've been majorly ill and haven't been able to talk. We've been playing phone tag and I just miss her so much. Hear me? I miss you. I was crying when I left a message on your phone tonight. It's just. Hearing you weak and sad. And then finally getting to read up on your LJ and seeing your sickiness and everything? I'm so worried. And I love you. I dunno. Out of all the Pirates of the Carribean chars. Even though I wouldn't be cruel and psycho.. I think I'd be Davy Jones esque. Because I cut out my heart and gave it to you a long time ago. Before we officially even got together. It's always been yours. You're the only one who has broken through that shell around it. You don't see me as an asshole even though I am. I'm Haruka remember, it comes with the territory. xD You change me, see a side of me no one has really ever seen. Brought out things in me I thought had been lost for ages. And put up with my weird obsessions and OCDness period. xD You're the piece that completes the puzzle that is me.

And the rest of ya. My sissy by soon to be marriage. xD And JenJen, Stephie, Bria, MyeongHi, Rei, and many more. You know who you are. Thanks to everyone for keeping me hanging on and together in times when I needed it most. I'll get to journal hopping within this next week and get to commenting away to peeps I haven't in awhile. Read up on some since I havent been on LJ for awhile and all that.

Blech I know I was gonna tell and write out my ICU and hospital experience but I've told it to so many people by now it's gotten old to describe but let's just say it was hell and leave it at that.

Anyway. I'mma try and be around more often. I have to use my mom's computer..my laptop is still messed up. But I'mma get off my ass and get Dell to come out and fix it. So I'll be posting icons soon enough that have been on my comp for like two years. And be able to save pictures and whatnot. And not have to sit in this god awful uncomfortable computer chair. And bah. I need to get my paid account with all the iconage and features back. Sigh.

Oh. And yeah, my hair is all grown out. I have the Japanese mullet but I'm white/cherokee so I don't have asian hair texture. I have to like style it to keep it to stay flat and give the effect I want. The blonde I had in my typical Ruka cut is near gone. It's like the tips. My auburn hair has grown out so it has a cool effect. And the way my Ruka cut.. which it always grows out this way.. it turns into the cool Japanese rock mullet. Not the HYUCK REDNECK MULLET. I said I was gonna dye it black and put some red streaks like Tatsurou in the Utagoe video? Since black hair dye is heavy. And it'll help my hair stay down. But I've been thinking. I might go back to Ruka cut. So. I need a poll. Oh and btw. I need to get pics on here of what I look like now since I weigh about 140, 150. I'm pretty much back to my old traditional Ruka form. My face isn't fat from prednisone. I'm not a skinny ho, but I'm toned like my body type. I dun think I'll ever be horrendously thin. But I did cosplay and karaoke Sailor Star Fighter/Kou Seiya and all forever ago. And the costume fits. His Lights suit atop, which peels off with velcro like a stripper to transform into Star Fighter. Whee. I found the tape my friend made of me on stage performing and doing the stripping and singing Ginga Isshinbun. Heehee.

But anyway. Poll. I can't do a real one since I have no paid account but anyway. Here we go.

Should I?

Keep my hair how it is.
Dye it and do the black and red thingy.
Or. Which I bet everyone votes for. Who actuslly comments. Go back to blonde and Ruka cut.


Comment n' let me know!

So hey everyone. Sorry there have been no updates. First off, I was really ill for awhile. And then my laptop busted which.. I still need to get fixed. And I couldn't remember my lj PW and ugh I had and am using mom's comp so wasn't able to get on. But here I am. Seems I've lost some friends. Gained some too. So welcome all newcomers! Icon posting shall begin again soon when my laptop is fixed up. I miss you so much Heather baby, mwah. Love you. I am sick right now, I just got out of the damned hospital. I need to pay for my damned lj. I had a paid account, it expired. So I need to reset and pay for another year. Murr. But anyway. Um, a lot has been going on here so much I don't think I could even type it all out. But hey. None of you would believe me if you saw me. I'm really thin. Ha. 150 pounds. It's nuts. Just want to say I've missed everybody, and hope you've missed me. I'll be updating now so no worries. I am supposed to get that damn root canal done finally but I've got fucking strep throat. And now I can't get it tomorrow. Among other probs. Ugh, suckage. But yeah it's a big ol mess. I'll get into later. Just. I'm alive. I love you guys. I luff yuu Heather. ;D And my sissies. Hee.

I went to a new dentist yesterday. I've got a lot of work to be done. Lower teeth, from canine to canine need to be filled. Tiny holes, but they're saveable. The few back ones. Like two are gonna be pulled. And I'm getting partial dentures. And then I'm having oral surgery on the top. Fillings on the front two teeth. But, they're doing a semi root canal, and pulling all my top teeth. And then have these attachments put in so my upper dentures will be held in place easily. And some other stuff. It's too complicated. I'm scared, but once it's over? I'll have my beautiful smile back. Since my teeth are chipped and damaged from my meds and the acid from vomitting. Welcome back ricky_nelson! ;DDD

I am soooo sick. Got ill after my doc appt to get meds refilled. Been ill for about two weeks..so, I'm sorry to everyone who has missed me. And sorry I havent kept up with journals. I will soon. I'm supposed to go to a doc today on walkin, but dunno yet. I'm congested, stuffed up, sore throat .. tonsils are like double the size of golfballs. I did have a dentist appt on Saturday, but before I could cancel, since I think I have step throat.. the dentist cancelled. He wasn't gonna be there, something came up. So, it's now the nineteenth. I hope I don't go into ac cuz of this. Oh and happy late birthdays! Ya know who you are.

I've been outta the mood for icon making, for a bit now. But I've been trying to load and save sets of imagepacks. To continue making. I need to finish this BSSM set, and go on to other anime and movies and random stuff.

Love everyone. LOVE JUU WIFE-CHAN.

I had my orthopedist appointment on Tuesday, and all is looking good. I'm allowed to walk now without the green and white velcro airbrace. On even surfaces. It aches, and I tend to limp. I'm trying not to, but it's difficult and it gets painful being on it after awhile. I can use my cane if needed, or I can put the brace on. When I'm on uneven surfaces, I have to wear the brace. I'm also cleared to drive, so I can hang out with Stephanie and Rei more often. Though Rei was coming to my house all the time. He's my ex boyfriend of two times by the way. We've started talking and hanging out again and he visits lately like before it was nearly everyday. But not so much now. Glad I can drive though, I can go hang out. And Steph's car is busted so I can go see her. And hang with Rei.

Anyway. I had physical therapy again on Friday. The doctor wants me to keep having it until my next appointment which is Sep. 13. And will be the last probably. Anyway, he gave me stronger theraband to do my strengthening exercizes with, and gave me a set of new ones too. After I'm done with them, like three times a day my ankle/leg where it was broke swells like a grapefruit. But gotta do it. I try to walk normally, but I have to think when I walk with my injured leg. Heel toe. Heel toe. It's hard. Like picture if you had to tell yourself to breathe instead of doing it naturally. Anyway, therapy works so I'm gonna keep working hard.

Day before yesterday now, who I thought was a good friend betrayed me. And I wept I was so upset and angry. He said I blew smoke up his ass about a lot of my cosplay. That he'd only seen a few pics. Well, everyone knows cosplay.com ate my old account awhile back with other peoples. I had pics there that were only there. And pics I had, my old laptop had crashed and I lost them. But he went on saying he hadn't seen my more complicated work. BS, he's seen my Eternal Uranus and Super Sailor and other costumes. Anyway. And he said he thought I wasn't saying the truth about some other stuff. So he called me a liar basically. And it hurt bad. I put so much into my cosplays. I'm working on Seymour from FFX right now too. Took three hours to fix the wig properly and get it in place. I can't find my camera or cord to hook it to the comp, so no pics yet. And he hasn't seen pics of commission work I've done and the old costumes so he assumes I'm blowing smoke. And hell. I know what I've done. I don't lie about that kind of stuff. And tonight we got in an argument about RPing, and he ended up running off mid argument to try and get the last word but I shot down everything he said. He's obsessed with FMA, all he wants to play and I hate it now. I liked it when it was fresh. Now it's ridiculously overdone and pathetic. And yeah. So, being insulted oh and tonight he insulted my RP too, stung. But the initial stuff really hurt. Thinking I'm a liar. I almost don't want to talk to him he's being such a jerk. I mean he's an asshole like me, but what he said was cruel and it hurt me badly. I know it might seem fickle, but a good friend calling you a liar, insulting you.. all kinds of stuff? Stings bad.

I found Kuchiki no Tou Cd. I'm missing Houyoku but I'm very upset. I have the out of print limited edition that came with the DVD. It's fine. The cd was buried under a bunch of computer shit, like programs and cdr's and I found that it was broken. A chunk was broke off. Now, I know there's some special glue I can get to repair it and gonna see if I can find it. Otherwise mom is buying me the original edition too. To replace it. But it was that dumb ass house cleaner Daisy who did it. And you know I hate her. I cried. I have all the other cds now cept like I said above. Oh but guess what? It was on the kitchen table, I laid it there with the piece so it wouldnt vanish and guess what. Daisy cleaned. No idea where it is. She broke it. I know she did. And she damn well better not have thrown it away. My Zero water bottle from the D'Ray concert? Was on my vanity. She was told NEVER to touch it. And it's gone. I think she threw it away and I cried over that too. It may be in the closet, or fallen down between the vanity and the wall but no. I think dipshit threw it away. And I called her that too. She knows I hate her. Who doesn't.

Oh and I told her when it happened, but Happy Anniversary Heather! Our anniversary is the 14th. It falls on V-Day every year. Ain't that neat?

I'm not sure if I will make AWA. Maybe Sugoicon again. I dun wanna go alone though. Um. Anyway. I don't think my foot will be strong enough for AWA. I need to check up on when Sugoi is this year and where and all. I don't even know when it or AWA is so. Whatever.

I worked more on my Seymour from FFX costume. Embroidering things. I didn't want to just cut fabric and sew it on. It'll look more authentic done needle-wise. Everyone cross stitches these days. That's the pussy way of embroidering. Embroidering takes skill and concentration.

I've been RPing a lot of FFX lately. Now I can get to my PS2, I wanna play it again and FF7. But again. Daisy cleaned house. My original Playstation was in the den and the memory card too. And now it's gone. Either my cousin stole it or it's god knows where or thrown away. She tosses mom and my stuff all the time when she's told NOT TO. It had my FF7 stuff saved on it along with other games. I had saved right before Aeris died so I could watch over and over again since I hate her. And had it saved in different places. I've beaten and played it a thousand times. BUT STILL. IT HAD OTHER GAME SAVES ON IT. Oh, still haven't played X-2 which I got for ten bucks. I'm sorry yunie, you cosplay Yuna awesomely but I HATE YUNA. And she sings that Koda Kumi song, and I loved that song. Japanese version and well. Yuna ruined it. And I see way too many Yuna cosplayers too, bad ones and good ones and it annoys me. cloud's bug me too. Everyone wants to do him. BLEH. You know, I hated him until Advent. He's attractive. I just hate all his emo shit and the Aeris junk. And I think, and many many agree. That in the movie his looks were modeled after spikey blonde haired, blue contacts Gackt. Personally, I think he was his hottest with the blonde hair. That and the samurai outfit. ::Fan::

Was supposed to go to the movie on Saturday to see Harry Potter finally. Mom got a toothache and pulled out. So. We're supposed to see it today at 4, which is the last showing of the day. It was 7 and 10 something too, but they dropped those times this weekend. Grr. I wanna see Stardust too. De Niro as a gay pirate. Gawd. xDDDD

I'm depressed. I am trying not to be upset about my so called friend. Those who know what he said exactly. yeah. hurt. I'm gonna fix my friends thing in user info too. So I can keep the numbers even. Oh and I'm sorry too everyone for not reading journals lately? With my leg and being in and out of the hospital and feeling lousy I haven't been around too much and sorry I've missed out reading what's going on in yur lives. I love you guys though. I'll start reading later on. And get informed. But anyway. This is what's been up with me.

I told a few of you, and I know it got spread around that I was all stuffy and remember I said I was all congested and junk. They think I caught a virus, and it sent me into another crisis. But I'm home now.

LOOOOOVE AND MISS MY HEATHER WHO I LONG TO TALK TO <333333

I've been in the hospital since Thursday. And it sucked, the army hospital and all. The first doctor wouldn't work with me and yeah. It blew. But, I went into Addison's Crisis, and got really sick. I'm still ill, but I'll be okay. No worries about me now. Recovering is a bitch.

Happy Anniversary Heather! Sweetheart, I luv youuu.

.. even more than Jump Ultimate Stars. XDDDDDDD;; Har har.

Got to love Atobe x Tezuka.

So, I was supposed to go see the new Harry Potter movie today, and PotC3 tomorrow. Well, this morning I wasn't feeling hot. My physical therapist came yesterday, so I'm gonna be sore and ache. But, also I'm stuffed up and my throat was scratchy. I told her I didn't know when I wanted to go, and then said sometime after 3:30, blah blah. She bought tickets online for 2:45. Brava, for listening to me, mom. And you know, how over the hours you can get sicker. My foot had hurt me all night long, and all morning. And I didn't think head/stuffiness/throat wise was gonna get any worse. But it did. I even asked when she woke me up if I could rest a little more. So, started to put my boot on and we went to arguing. I told her, I wasn't feeling well as she picked out my clothes. One of my Slytherin shirts n' all. And well if you don't know, phys therapy can wear a person out, especially when she's only walked two days or so, and he's rotating my ankle and hurting..and doing all these painful muscle exercises. Anyway. You know, plenty of times in my life my mom and I had made plans. She'd not feel well in the morning, and then by time to go, she'd cancel. Just like a few weeks ago. When we were supposed to go out.

Anyway, she yells and screams she spent 14 bucks or whatever on tickets, blah blah, we only have 900 dollars to make it to the end of the month, blah blah.. here I am. Having to use the bathroom, putting the boot on and crying at even having to put pressure on it, and she wants me to walk into the theatre, and I'm runny nose one side, stuffed on the other. I tell her to look at my throat which on all other occasions she would say was swollen but just to be the biggest fucking cunt ever, she says it's fine. I ask if I have a fever. She says no. I take it with the thermometer. I do. Anyway, we argue for ten, fifteen minutes on whether I'm gonna go or not. Here I am, crying in pain and misery that she's screaming in my ears. About how she's lost money on tickets and I should have told her I didn't want to go before she bought them. SHE GOT THEM AT LIKE 8 IN THE MORNING. ONLINE. How am I supposed to know how I'm gonna feel at 2? And she knew I felt lousy and she looked att my leg, said it wasn''t swollen. If I knew where my camera extension cord was I'd take a picture, and upload it. But dunno where the connection cord is. Anyway, she screams.

WELL. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TODAY, WE'LL SEE PIRATES TOMORROW, BUT I'M NOT BUYING HARRY POTTER TICKETS AGAIN. IF YOU WANNA SEE IT YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEWAY TO GET THERE AND PAY YOURSELF.OR WAIT FOR IT ON VIDEO, YOU FUCKING CRIPPLED GARBAGE. Bank is closed tomorrow, and my banking online.. is always a hassle. And she won't take me anyway. We had even talked this morning since I felt lousy, about just going to both movies tomorrow, instead of today. So, she's stomping around the house. Not helping me. I mean, I'm too sore to fucking walk, and hell. How is that my fault? How is it my fault, she bought tickets we didn't agree upon and how is it my fault I got to feeling worse and worse. Tons of times in my life, I've had to give up plans because of her. And most of the time, I'm not upset about it. Sometimes I am, but mostly not..unless I know she's faking it. And I think she thinks I am. OOO..HOW CAN I FAKE A FEVER? How can I predict I was gonna feel worse, which is what she ALWAYS SAYS TO ME WHEN THIS TYPE OF SHIT HAPPENS ON HER END. BUT IT'S OKAY FOR HER. And I went to explaining that to her, and she was so fucking pissy she was just.. IS THAT ALL YOU WORTHLESS POS? .. Fourteen dollars, maybe 18.. what would cost is all the JUNK FOOD HER FAT ASS WOULD BUY AT EVERY MOVIE. I usually don't stuff my face with junk. That's where the fucking money is. concessions. She might as well just stick her head under the butter pump and drink it, the fat ass cow.


I'm really angry, upset, and crying. And tell me yes or no.. is she not being unreasonable, pigheaded and being her usual asshole self.

And you know I told her too. I wouldn't want to go today anyway, since she was yelling at me the entire time. GET DRESSED DO THIS DO THAT HURRY THE FUCK UP STUPIDSHITHEAD.. etc. Who wants.. as she gets if I get angry. Who wants to ride in a car with someone acting like a child?

Anyway, she's stomping around the house mad she wasted money on tickets. Oooo. Big fucking deal.. anyone else in the entire god damn WORLD wouldn't act how she did, and is continuing to act.

.. and I know the icon doesn't fit the post, but. Atobe tackling..::cough:: topping Tezuka is hot.



EDIT EDIT EDIT==== She just came in here and went. " If you're up to it we'll see both movies tomorrow. " And brought me meds for my stuffness.

I should have figured. She gets all worked up, pissed off. calms down, realizes what an idiot she's been and then makes up for it. ::Hand. Forehead:: Doesn't change the fact I'm still mad at her behavior.

Well, today my uncle and mom took a tour of Nashville, and then he left. Didn't even get to say goodbye to him. He was really cool when we did talk, and we have soo much in common. It was good to see a relative other than carol who he hates. xD But anyway, I spent all day in bed. I went to bed yesterday around 1 AM.. So I didn't have over 24 hours of sleep again, and I went out. Even after forever ago before that of taking pain meds, etc. All day today I'd wake up here and there. Musta been twenty times. I'd look at the window and pretty much go.. if there's light, goodnight. if there's dark...still sleep. LOL. I didn't really get up till 8:30, when I had to use the bathroom. Then me and mom spent the rest of the night talking, and I walked to the living room and we watched this Harry Potter Secrets thing, and So Graham Norton. Then she made me some food--when I first woke up I had a bagel but I only ate half of one side and she ate the rest. But yeah, I went to my room, and she made me chicken nuggets.

So, on Saturday mom and I are supposed to go out and spend time together. I mean we fight .. A LOT. And sometimes like the day I went to the doc, we were cussing like crazy. But yeah, everything calmed down later. But, we're going to, hopefully.. see POTC 3, At World's End. It's still playing at the theatre according to the website. But that was today, not Saturday. Gonna check now. YAY. It's still playing. We're gonna see it, and Order of the Phoenix. Ralph Fiennes is god as Voldemort. No one compares. In the Potter movies, they do great casting, except Lupin. He was supposed to be hot. Not the ugly, but good actor they got to play him. Honestly? Order of the Phoenix I hate the most. The book. We've pre-ordered the seventh book already. Harry Potter and the Deadly, Deathly Hollows? Something like that. And you know this is supposed to be the last book but they're saying no, because Rowling doesn't want to lose her cash cow. See, I.. like others who picked up on the trend later when I said it when I read the first book.. I think Harry is going to die. Or he's going to lose his magic, or something in him.. is going to die. And there's the possibility, even though they've built Ron/Hermione up..that one of them will die. Someone close to him will die.. or something. People think if she kills Harry, no one will go see Half Blood Prince and the last movie. Whatever. We'll see, when the book comes. Mom and I are arguing over who gets to read it first. I say me. I read faster, she says she does. But I'm not a nerd like her with books and sit there and read for hours on end and not put it down. Only books I've ever done that with is the LOTR series, and the Simirallion..well. And some of Tolkien's other books. I have them all. Just like the Potter series. I FOUND MY QUIDDITCH SLYTHERIN COSTUME TOO! THE HEAVY HOODED CLOAK AND ALL! Hee. Anyway, we're gonna see Pirates and Harry Potter. I haven't been able to get out of the house. I can't drive. So. And we're going shopping, out to eat. I'm gonna see if Border's or Best Buy or my last resort since we have no Suncoast---Hastings, to see if the new DVDs of La chavalier d'eon are in. I want to complete my box set.

Jump Ultimate Stars is awesome! I say anyone with a Nintendo DS, who loves anime esp. the ones I listed, need to buy this game from playasia.com. It's on sale too. So. Anyway. I'm walking better today.. I got practice in tonight. I'm not gonna end up like dad, not being able to walk. And I sleep so good not having to wear the cast. But if I have to get up to use the bathroom, it's gotta go on. Like I said in the last post, I'm using the walking boot cast I've had this whole time till I can walk better, and then go to regular shoe, and the air support cast and maybe crutch or both. Oh and if you can't speak Japanese and want the game? There are english translations on gamefaq's website. It's super fun. Oh and I beat my Tamagotchi game, with Mametchi..and now can play with the Princess Tamako. But you can't save her game which blows. There are also two other gotchi's you can play with, Memetchi, an Kuchipatchi. I am gonna play with them and all, even though I've already made everything royal and can play with Tamako. It's fuuuuun. Mametchi is my favorite Tamagotchi. Whenever I bought the tiny litle ya know, keychain attachable ones.. I always get him. Hee. Anyway. Loooove!

Mou, didn't get on till late, most everyone is gone including my Atobe! I guess he was tired.. or thought I wasn't coming on tonight. Ah well, I'm tired anyway, and was nearly asleep when mom brought me my chicken nuggets cuz of my meds. Missed out on playing tonight. Last night I was the one who stopped our RP cuz I needed rest. Ah well I'll see him tomorrow.

Oh and another thing--.. on Boomerang at 5 AM cen, The Adventures of captain Planet comes on during weekdays, maybe weekends too. I've been watching like a nerd if I'm up. I remember watching it when I was younger, omg. captain planet, he's our hero.. gonna cut pollution down to zero.. ::stops:: ^^;;;

So, turns out the doc office called and said my leg appointment with the orthopedist was today, and not the 13th. So, went and TA DA. They said I could start trying to walk, a little at a time. They want me to use my walking boot cast I was in these past two months to walk on, for a few weeks. Till I get the hang of it. I tried crutches, even though it's bad for my arthritis and all, but I tried using them and was unstable and almost fell so..no crutch yet. You know, it wasnt this hard for me to walk last time I broke my leg. But, this is a serious break. Anyway, so I tried a walker instead, and it works SO MUCH BETTER! I can walk with it! Small, medium steps.. I walked down a looooong hallway to the check out counter at the orthopedist's. And they were all, even nurses who knew me--" Look at her go! Maybe we don't need to send a phys therapist afterall! " Don't know if the insurance will cover it, but they wanna send a therapist out for a few weeks a few days a week I think to help me with walking. I'm so happy. But, I'm just in baby step mode. When we got home, I even walked all the way from the car to my room with the walker. They also gave me another brace to be worn with a shoe..one of those air braces with velcro..but not until I'm walking a lot better.. a few weeks, with the walker. And hopefully I can get my strength back in my legs and body..I mean I've only transferred. God, I'm soo sore. But! I don't have to sleep with that boot cast on anymore either! Still gonna use the bedside toilet thingy for a bit until I'm building more strength. I took my cast off, and the ankle opposite the break is all swollen. My back and legs and arms hurt. But it was worth it, pushing myself to walk. I'm not gonna end up like dad..he did his walking therapy at first and then quit. So, I'm not gonna end up without the use of my leg. Apparently too, the docs said.. that calcium magnet machine is working wonders on healing my leg up. And err.. we haven't used it everyday either. But, I have to use it fourty minutes, where the normal is twenty. It makes my foot spasm and he said that was the magnetic field and not to worry. So, in a month I go back. And then I'll be able to drive, maybe sooner.

And then mom took me to Sakura, a Japanese and some Korean food restaurant. Celebrate I guess. But she's been a real bitch to me today. Last night after 48 hours of no sleep.. I finally slept and last night..well, tonight. She woke me up at 12:30 saying the tv came on and was blaring and it did come on by itself, but it was her stomping around and the lights and whatnot that woke me up and that put me in a bad mood all day.

Oh. And. Missing mucc cds. I had all of them.. like.. a shitload, and miyavism, and another cd in my car cd holder. Well, mom found it out in my car awhile back, brought it inside. It wasn't until I got it in my hands heading to the car that I saw ALL the mucc cds were missing. WTF. WHERE ARE THEY. She looked in my car but not under the seats or really anywhere, she was being her usual asshole self earlier. And on the way home all she did was say I was a follower and bitched about my tattoo I got AGES AGO. Jesus. I'm hoping those cds are in my car, or stuck back in my room, above my DVD recorder..that records off the tv like a VCR and makes DVDs. They're expensive, I got it for xmas like the year they came out. Made lots of em.. But anyway, the cd visor case was put above it so maybe the cds fell out. Otherwise.. I dunno where they are and she said she's not replacing them. Some are irreplaceable. And some are really expensive. Ughhn.

But. I'M WALKING. YAY. But still, no sleep since she woke me up at midnight. I was trying to organize my days and nights since I was starting to sleep but hellooo insomnia. Anyway. Love everyone.

AND I WISH A CERTAIN SOMEONE WOULD VISIT ME. MY MOM WILL GET YOU AND TAKE YOU HOME AGAIN IF YOU'D EVER TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE OFF WORK OR NOT BUSY. SAID BEST FRIEND WHO HASN'T SEEN ME SINCE FOREVER. YOU DUN HAVE ANYMORE EXcUSES. STEPHANIE! ::PROD:: >>;;;;

Love to Bria and her family, in this hard time.
And love to sissy, and always my Wife-chan, Heather. ::Purr::

So, I moved into the living room earlier to visit with Sonny. And boy, are we alike in tons of ways. Liberal democrats, pro gay marriage..pro choice..mom and us talked and talked. Two against one republican, Ha! My mom still thinks I'm democrat just to piss her off. Oi 0i. But he's cool. Like 60 something. But I really like him, he has a sinical sense of humor like me. xDD

So, my game I've been waiting for came today. But we missed the delivery. I had moved back in my room by the time it came. The mail lady is a cunt. She is supposed to drive down here when there's a package that has to be signed. And honk her horn. And if you don't RUN out there, she speeds off. And if you do get there? She's very rude and mean. Well, apparently? The game was delivered Saturday. Just found out. And mom said she checked. Sigh. The only thing I can do is lay in bed, watch tv, get online. Use phone here and there, and play my Nintendo DS. And Jump Ultimate Stars is the Japanese game I ordered from playasia.com. So, I should have had it. And she lied to me, saying she had checked the mail Saturday. And was listening for the honk from the mail lady. I knew it. I knew it.

But before they are going fishing, Sonny was nice enough to go and get my game for me. The post office is only like ten minutes away, but mom says he drives way slow. Rofl. One thing we don't have in common. Ask anyone who has been in a car with me driving. Ask Steph. Ask Heather! And she's scared of driving, being in a car most of the time. But she wasnt with me. Probably because she knows I'd never put her in danger. I'm Papa-sama. If she's Wife-chan! xDD I'm already Ruka-papa.

It's a fighting game, and it has chars from some of my favorite anime. Two in particular. Hunter x Hunter, and The Prince of Tennis!! I'll see which chars are available to be played when it gets here. Even though I'm eating spaghetti. That game must be tried out immediately! Anyway.

Here is a list of the anime, that the chars are from in the game. All the reviews say the fighting game is amazing. And I rock at those games. Ask Heather and Steph Hee Hee. I'll give my review once I start playing it. But here's the list. I've seen all these. In one way or another. Either the entire series and extra stuff like OAV's and musicals, or maybe a few episodes or more than that. Anyway. List!

Covered Series:
Black Cat
Kinnikuman
BLEACH
KochiKame
Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo
Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro
Busou Renkin
Midori no Makibaou
Captain Tsubasa
Muhyo to Rouji no Mahoritsu Soudan Jimusou
Cobra
Naruto
D.Gray-man
Ninku
Death Note
One Piece
Dr. Slump
Pyuu to fuku! Jaguar
Dragonball Z
Rokudenashi Blues
Eyeshield 21
Rurouni Kenshin
Gintama
Saint Seiya
Houshin Engi
Sakigake!! Otokojuku
Hunter × Hunter
Shaman King
I"s
Slam Dunk
Ichigo 100%
Taizo Mote King Saga
Jigoku Sensei Nube
The Prince of Tennis
JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Tottemo! Luckyman
Jungle King Ta-chan
Yu Yu Hakusho
Katekyo Hitman REBORN!
Yu-Gi-Oh!

There's the list. AHH! GAME IS IN MY HANDS!! MUST -PLAY!! IVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG, EVEN BEFORE I BOUGHT IT. I HAD TO WAIT LIKE TWO MONTHS BEFORE MOM EVEN LET ME GET IT. WHEEEE. Oh and in case you didn't know? Yu Yu Hakusho and Hunter x Hunter are done by the same person. HxH is just longer, more mature. And they havent dubbed it in America. Only recently did the manga start being released here. Hopefully it'll get a following. It's an old and new anime. With awesome OAV's and BEAUTIFUL musicals. I rank anime musicals.. top three. HUNTER X HUNTER IS FIRST. Since they use the original seiyuu in most all of them. Prince of Tennis. And the Sailor Moon musicals.

..mou. one thing that sucks? My friend I've been RPing Prince of Tennis with, the past five days we haven't played at all. He's been tired, or upset, or something or other. And I've been getting on late too. Before we were RPing for houuuurs till like five AM. Even though he was working. But yeah. I miss his Keigo Atobe. We've paired him with my Echizen Ryouma. And sometime we're gonna do Atobe x Tezuka. I LOVE TEZUKA-SEMPAI! Okiayu Ryuutarou is my favorite seiyuu tied with Takehito Koyasu. JenJen hates Tezuka though and all of Seigaku. ;___; I hope he wants to RP tonight. If I'm up. I practically slept all day yesterday, didnt get up till after midnight and havent slept since. So I hope I don't pass out after I play my DS and miss possible yaoiness. Hee.

But what's awesome? She's gonna sell me her PoT doujinshi and a Seigaku wallscroll she has. Hee. To add to my collection of Tennis yaoi. xDDD You should see the stacks of yaoi doujin in my room. Well, they aren't in here now, they're in the other room when Daisy cleaned when they put the new bed in here. But anyway. Looooove JENJEN for selling me the stuffs. Whenever she can get it and gimme a price. xDD. But I love her anyway. I just RABURABU HER MORE NOW XDDDD

And shit. I missed sissy's call. Gomen ne! If you read this.

Now. LOVE YOU HEATHER. AND EVERYONE. OFF TO PLAY JUMP ULTIMATE STARS TO SEE IF THE REVIEWS ARE RIGHT. I BET THEY ARE. ANYTHING WITH HUNTER X HUNTER.. IT HAS TO BE GOOD.

..made made dane!

Well, I sent flowers to Bria, since her mother died. If my leg wasn't broke, I'd be there like she came down here for me when dad died. But I can't, so I sent flowers.

And finally got in contact with a long lost friend I'd been worried about. For privacy's sake I'm not naming names. But it feels good to be able to talk to said person again. And you know who you are.

Heather went to the doctor, thank gods not pneumonia or something like that. Though, I'm worried about the prednisone intake they have her on. I wanted to talk to her about that. But it's late, and she's sick. So don't wanna call or anything. Esp. if she's found sleep, since she hasn't been able to rest.

My mom's brother is here. Who I have met once in my life when I was like four. He's staying here for a few days, I thought it was a week. He's here, but I didn't get to meet today because I slept all damn day. I'm just not feeling too hot. I didn't drug myself up either.

Get this, he wants me to go fishing with him and mom tommorrow. She told him cuz of the leg I'm not supposed to move around as much as possible. Except for bathroom and doc appts. But he was like, just stick her in the wheelchair and let's go. He's already weird to me. And get this, mom made a bedroom up for him but he said he was too cramped so he's outside sleeping in his truck.
;__; One thing I know we have in common.. we both HATE my aunt Carol, their sister. I'd love to go fishing. Sigh. Dad and I did all the time when I was younger and before he got super super sick.

So, I ordered one day shipping on the video games I got from Target.com.. and it shipped on the 3rd. UPS. But tomorrow is a holiday, and they observe it for almost all mail. Murr. I might not get my two games tomorrow.

Super Mario 64 DS for Nintendo DS and Tamagotchi Connection Corner Shop 2 for Nintendo DS.

It had said they wouldnt be shipped till Thursday but it was shipped early.

Jump Ultimate Stars was shipped too finally, but it's the Japanese game. And from playasia.com. I woulda bought Tama from there too but they were sold out. It's coming from china, so it'll take a few days.

Thanks to a friend getting me to RP Prince of Tennis..I've gotten back into it. Everyone just loooooooooooves Kikumaru. Well, I don't really. He's my least favorite and thank god I'm not the only one. My friend and I are doing Atobe x Ryouma. And I'm loving it. So much, I'm rewatching the series, movies, live action movie and musicals again. I like a lot of other chars too but. He's made me love the pair. Makes me wanna cosplay Echizen Ryouma! ;DD Put another cosplay under my belt. I love Momo.. Tezuka too! And more! I need my leg better. Mou.

I missed talking to Heather tonight. FEEL BETTER BABY. I LOVE YOU!

I wonder if my leg will even be better in time for Ota. I doubt it. What, ten..eleven weeks now and I still am not allowed to walk on it? Oii. It sucks. Being stuck in bed all day.

Almost done saving brushes! Working on iconage too. Finish BSSM set, AC.. and do more anime and regular icons. I wanna do some Atobe/Ryouma PoT ones! Hee.

i wish i could make you better heather. mouu. dun like when my butterfly is sickie. ;( maybe my luv will heal you!

haven't talked to jenjen in a few days too. I MISS YOU TOO.

Ryouma is drawn like Killua from Hunter x Hunter. More people need to like and get into that series. It's not OLD. I mean some of it is. But hell, the last OVA's were done not too long ago. And their still doing musicals.

Man, know what sucks about the Nintendo DS Lite though? You can never find it in pink. And then at target.com they had it, and at the PX on base last week they did too! Mouuu. Oh well.

Love everyone!

I found out last night I'm a damn good Ryoma RP'er from Prince of Tennis. My friend who won't play Reno and Schuldich anymore and has become ridiculously obsessed with FMA.. he's picky. But he wanted to RP Atobe/Ryouma. And apparently loves my Ryouma as much as Rufus. And he worships my Rufus, says no one captures him like me.

Makes me want to cosplay Ryouma.

Found a fellow HxH RP'er too the other day. Absolute amazement. I'm rewatching like ep 9- end of Greed Island Final again, the last of the series.

Was supposed to go out yesterday but mom was "sick". Bull. And today. and all of a sudden she feels sick again. How convenient, huh?

Wanted to see if Best Buy's anime collection has improved enough to where they have new releases, otherwise it's Borders or the net for me. I want the new La Chevalier D'eon's on DVD for my box set.

Bought a video game offline though the other night Jump Ultimate Stars. It's a fighting game but with anime chars for the Nintendo DS/Lite. Game works on both. Region free. It's got HxH charries in it! The reviews are amazing. There's one before it, Super Jump Stars but no HxH and the ratings weren't as good. People were saying it's the best game for DS. Like it's a fighting game, but Super Smash Bros.esque? I'll see when I get it. I cant play my PS2 or GameCube. Cant get out of bed to put games in and set the tv and mom won't do it, and when that moron caretaker is here, DAISY THE INFINITE IDIOT she can't even turn a fan on. Turn it once. She turns the knob three times. MORON. I'm working on yet ANOTHER no sleep night and day, but I'll deal. I just. Want to play American Dirge to see it's crapness compared to the Jap version I beat.. still got DS games to play. I wanna replay X, play X-2 since I refused to play it. Because of a lot of reasons, but X and X-2 cosplayers for the most part I want to shoot. Very few can I stand. I love lady_yunie though! ..I wanna play FF7 and god. Just a shitload of games, oh and FF12. and can't stuck with not being able to walk.

I'm stuck playing my DS games. Dude. Rayman and the Raving Rabbids. On Wii, on XBOX360, blah blah. 50 bucks with tax. On DS? 20. HA. And it takes more skill, since there's a lot of stylus work. I am an anime and gamer till the end. But it would be nice to have all the systems my ex has that his dad just GIVES him. But then there are those who don't even have what I do. So. ::Shrug.::

And yes, the BSSM icon set is going to be coming. I know I keep saying that, but I have a shitload of brushes to save first before I continue and image packs are tedious. But if my work can look like it's from Photoshop and be from PSP 8? You can wait. In the meanwhile, make suggestions for future iconage on my request thing in my profile. I'm gonna be doing some Advent and randoms soon so. Be prepared. ;P

I don't know if you even read my journal or not Bria, you don't commment so. But sometimes as I've said. You just don't knpw what to say to an entry. Happens to me with others often. But anyway. I'm sorry about your mother and the friends who are treating you like crap.. steph said some bitched because you weren't online as often? That's lame considering your mom is so sick. Makes me think of Michi and the horrible stuff that happened to her, unfairly. But that's not my business even though I wish she'd call or come on or make her existance still known. Anyway. Love you, Bria. And I wish the best for your mother even though she's ailing. I hope her pain, things get better. And you get better too, I can't imagine the stress on your shoulders. I can in a lot of ways from dealing with my dad and juggling college, etc. And in some ways I can't. Since pretty much I've been declared disabled and can't really work or hit classes. Even online. But there's some legal stuff dealingg with that too. Damn court for Social Security. Anyway. Love you, Bria. If you read this n' all.

Luvs you Heather. <3

Well, life sucks. My appetite was lost, mom kept thinking that I was in kidney failure, had a urinary tract infection. But, on Thursday I started vomitting. I went into Addison's Crisis. Hurling bile, couldn't keep anything down. No meds, no food.. not even clear liquid. So, went to Ft. Campbell hospital. Had to wait for hours and hours Friday night.. and this stupid black female doc.. dun remember her name because I was supposed to be fast-tracked but wasn't. I don't go to Williamson county anymore. Anyway, she didn't do any urine tests, or blood drawn, or anything. All she did was give me a Fennagrin supposatory which I had been using and it didn't do shit. And a shot of Decadron or whatever to stop the puking. After ten minutes, she sent me home. Still sick.

Well, I spent all Saturday in bed hurling off and on and sick as a dog. And I finally fell asleep and guess what? Rolled out of bed. With a broken leg.. bootcast, not a regular cast. And couldn't get off the floor. The bed is way high, couldn't get on my knees, or move. I thought I broke my leg worse. And I was so dehydrated.. from lack of fluid and I had puked about 50 times..we had to call EMS. And they had to lift me up and made me put pressure on the leg I'm not SUPPOSED TO.. i got back into the bed. Mom couldn't help.. said she wasn't strong enough. More like fat lazy cow.

Okay, well..this happened about 5 am. And I was puking again. I told her take me back to the hospital.. she wanted to try to do everything again to get me feeling better. Told her it wasn't gonna work so 9 am Sunday morning she gave in and took me back. I told her we needed a damn ambulance because last times, they made me put pressure on my bad leg which I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO. We reitrated that a thousand times. Anyway, I was fasttracked this time even w/o an ID card I was very ill. I fainted in the waiting room. Well, I went back in the ER.. the actual ER not just a random bed somewhere in the middle of nowhere. They did a urine catheter.. VERY PAINFUL. And if you say it isn't, it is. They wanted a pure sample. Hell, I could have used a portable toilet and done a benodine swipe. But NOOOO. And I had gone a lot before I left so they barely got any out and it hurt. So, I had three bags of fluid this time. THIS DOCTOR WORKED THE PROBLEM.

Get this, I only had to get stuck once by the nurse. That never happens anymore. Well, I had an EKG, had to wait for labs and all that shit. Mom kept screaming for the past two weeks that I was in kidney failure. Well, we had a bet that if the catheter hurt me she'd pay me 100 bucks, and if I wasn't in failure, another hundred. Guess who is getting paid. ME. Anyway, the doc wanted to admit me, but then he left it up to me. I was feeling better after 8 MG's of morphine, some of Tordol, and Zofran, Hydrocodone, Promethazine for tummy. And slowly over two hours kept down some ice chips and Sierra Mist. So he said I could go home if I could pee, and I did so I was allowed to go home.

On the way home, mom stopped at Burger King, and got me a Cherry Limeade slush, which last time I had one in Nashville, it was awful. But this one was good. I think I drank it too fast. I get carsick too. But when I got home I threw up and was ill. And got no sleep. And still no sleep. I hurled and hurled. And we didn't get home till nearly 6 PM. And yeah. I was up all night too. Trying to eat small bites of things. And then.. would just puke it up. I moved to the living room, ya know in bed and in there.. sit up and sit down, sit up and sit down. Then put a heating pad on my tummy, and I finally started to get some rest. Only like twenty minutes here and there. I never got really good sleep at all for days and days. BUT. Here's the good thing. The doc gave me a steroid pack, I'm keeping it down.. and my appetite down. I'm eating just fine.. ate some bagels and cream cheese. Tried some soup but mom made it gross with milk, I make mine with water. Uhh. Drank water, sprite. Sherbert, popsicles.. and she brought me home ribs but they're crunchy on the outside. So I'm waiting to eat the inner ones later since my teeth are fucked from the fall and prednisone. I told her, I was getting ill dropping my prednisone, which is what Dr. Bao said she wanted to do at Vanderbuilt. But she said if I got sick to up the dosage, but mom didnt listen to me. Look who was right. About everything.

Right now, I'm worried about my right leg being broke worse. It was in the cast, but my foot slips in and out and the EMS dudes who picked me up, said that the bootcast should have protected it. It still hurts more though, but at the hospital they made me put pressure on it over and over. Sigh. I just hope it's not hurt more. I haven't been able to use my magnet thing on my break since I've been in and out of the hospital and sick. I'm afraid of surgery on it because of the fall out of bed and the hospital and MOM making me put pressure on it. ::SIGH::

Sorry I missed your call Heather, I tried calling back. I miss you and love you so much butterfly.

I really hate this. I only have like one friend in town. I've been offered to move to Montana with Heather, but cuz of the docs and my leg and everything I can't. I'd be with her sooner that way, but still. I want to see her so badly. She's trying to come back as soon as possible. I wanna say fuck cons for a few months and share my cash so she can come back and visit, since she'd help me more than mom would. Though.. having to use a portable bathroom is humiliating. But she's seen worse with me, sigh. Mrrow. I miss you so much. I need to FINISH THAT ICON SET. But Ive barely been on.. just, not in the mood.. still gotta upload brushes. Sigh. I have so many online friends I wanna see like JENJEN! And con friends and whatnot. But so much shit keeps happening. I haven't been on myspace, been missing the meetings. But not my fault when I'm ill.

Anyway. Heather had quit her job at the hotel and I can understand why. I hope she gets another one.. I've still got a court date for my Social Security, and wanted my VA stuff. I got my military benefits back, so now.. no more Gateway. I woulda gone to the army base for my leg instead of Gateway and wouldn't be seeing Beauchamp..but I like him. Anyway.

I love everyone, but especially my beautiful Heather.

I hate having a broken leg, feeling helpless. I wonder how many of you have actually read about this. :/ I need to read people's journals. Ever since this, the pain has just ya know.. taken priority. Need to catch up on everyone.

I wish I wasn't so sick and didn't have so many health problems. Just to feel better for one, and for another I could move to Montana and live with Heather and Washu. But for now, I have to wait for Wife-chan to save money to come live here in an apartment. I'll be living there too..hopefully I'll be getting money from the VA, and SS by then and can help support, rent and whatnot. But she said even if i couldn't chip in, it was okay. Apartments here, nice ones too aren't that bad. One room for us wouldn't cost much. I told mom about it and she went. " She's gonna want sex in return for you staying there.." And I told her. .. Mom. We'd be fucking regardless. Drop by anytime. XD

I can't wait till my baby's phone is FINALLY turned back on. I get to talk to her again and sing to her and hear her pretty sweet voice. Teee.

Oh and guess what Heather? I got my back up pills returned. But, when Daisy was cleaning I think she stole some. You know she always asked for drugs. she's an addict. And mom has to hide our meds. Well, even she noticed a lot of pills were missing. And this morning I spilled my oxy on the floor and mom couldn't find all the pills. So good thing she relented. And we didn't even argue. She gave them since I spilled the oxy and wouldn't have enough since she couldn't find them all. You know how it is when pill bottles drop. Pills can fly across the room. Oii.

I think I'mma start drawing again even though I suck. I'm stuck in bed with foot in boot cast and not supposed to move much. Or put any pressure, which I have on accident. I hope I dun haveta have surgery. Everyone pray, chant.. think, whatever. Just, keep me in your thoughts and hope I don't have to have it. I'm a high risk patient.. I've had it before..but still. Just. Do whatever version of praying you can?

I'mma work on a Sailor Moon icon set I need to finish but I gotta upload a shitload of brushes first. And they're pics, I have to save one by one since I use PSP 8. And my icons look like they're made in Photoshop. I find that a huuuge compliment I've been told many times.

Mouuuu. Heather's account has gone back to basic. Looks like somebody is gonna have to fix that no matter how much ya whine! XDD

Well, here's the story. I got reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally ill. And thought I was going into Acrisis, or I was going thru oxycontin withdrawal. I went to the walk in at my reg doc and he gave me some meds, and refilled the oxy. It is hard to get an appt on time with him before my oxy runs out. Anyway, we had to go to the pharmacy across town to get it..and I fell or fainted or something. And KAPOW. Luckily there were two fuzz out there and they rang for an ambulance. I scraped my face all to hell, since I landed on pavement. And well. I broke my leg bad. I'm making this short, since owwie.

EDIT EDIT
My RIGHT NOT LEFT leg, my bone..the lower toward the ankle is a spiral fracture and something else but needless to say the first option was surgery..bolts and plates. Get this, they didn't put me in a cast, but one of those walking boots and said put no pressure on it. And a week later I went back to see if it was going to need surgery but right now it is slowly healing. It is gonna take 9 plus weeks for it to heal and my other ankle is sprained. But yeah, saw the xrays for my damn broken leg? It's all shattered bone on the big bone, fibula I think it's called..but it's shattered in one spot, and then cracked in another spot at the ankle. It gives me shivers looking at it. Well, gave me when I saw it in the ortho office. But yeah, it's been hard getting around. My room is clean, but i did just have a mattress on the floor..but cuz of this I have a reclining bed. Oiii.. only plus about the boot cast..I can scratch and take it off now and then.. but there isn't much support.

Mouuuu. I miss everyone. I think one of my friends online I RP'ed with is ignoring me or something.. he reads my mail and listens to my phone messages. Murr. i havent been online, since uhh;..pain. PAAAAIIIN. I was on for a lil the other day. But I am gonna try and be on more.

Oh and my cousin Jay died. Decapitated in a motorcycle crash. And my one other awesome person on my mom's side besides Jay-- my aunt Marsha died of cancer yesterday. :/ she was the lesbian besides me in our family. she had been with her lover for.. gods. EVER.

How me and Heather will be. Together forever. I miss my Heather kins. ::jingles:: I wuv you.

<33333333333333333333333333 to everyone.